


Eight Boys, One Year

by orphan_account



Category: All Time Low, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: I LOVE JOSH SO MUCH, M/M, alex needs to calm his shit but i love him, frank is an unstable bean, gerard is a douche sorta, jack is a tall awkward bean, mikey doesn't know what hes doing but thats okay, pete is an angsty teen, tyler is v shy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-07-11
Packaged: 2018-09-26 18:31:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 80
Words: 29,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9915533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Eight boys, one year. Frank Iero, Gerard Way, Alex Gaskarth, Jack Barakat, Josh Dun, Tyler Joseph, Mikey Way, and Pete Wentz have all been put in a boarding school under different circumstances. They're almost all hiding something, and on top of that, that have to deal with problems like relationships, mental disorders, friendships, sexuality, and just the stress of being in high school. These boys all get connected somehow, and all of them just have the same goal; making it through the school year alive.Triggering chapters will be labeled appropriately.





	1. Frank (9/6/16)

**Author's Note:**

> Story playlist (I will add more songs as more chapters are added):
> 
> Car Radio- Twenty One Pilots  
> Brother- Gerard Way  
> The Good, the Bad, and the Dirty- Panic! at the Disco  
> The Kids Aren't Alright- Fall Out Boy  
> I've Got a Dark Alley and a Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth (Summer Song)- Fall Out Boy  
> Welcome to My Life- Simple Plan

I sit silently in the car, messing with the radio.

 

"Quit it," Macy says, slapping my hand away. I sigh. This is going to be a long half hour. I've been giving Macy the silent treatment for the last two days, and I'm not giving up now. Especially since I won't be seeing her for another nine months. "Maybe this way, your out of control behave will be fixed, and you can stay in Jersey next year." I roll my eyes. Yeah, my "out of control behavior", that's what it is. The car ride feels more like three hours than thirty minutes. I finally see the front of the building in which I will live for the next nine months of my life. I open the door before the car completely stops, and grab my bags. I hear Macy say a goodbye to me, but I have no response. The front is already swarmed with kids, so I anxiously walk past all of them into the front doors. I make my way to the cafeteria where all freshman and new kids are supposed to meet. I sit down next to a kid who's sitting by himself and is running his fingers through his spiked-up hair. Two other boys come and sit with us, both of them already talking like they already know each other. Maybe they do.

 

"Hey, I'm Josh Dun," one of them says.

 

"Oh, I'm Pete Wentz," the other says.

 

"Oh, you're my roommate," I say softly to Pete.

 

"You're Frank Iero?" He asks, pronouncing my last name like eye-arrow.

 

"It's pronounced 'eye-year-oh'. But yes." Pete smiles, and I can see how white his teeth are. "Do you know when we get to go to our rooms?"

 

"I'm guessing now," the boy who was at the table when I first sat down says. I look over and see a collection of kids leaving. Pete grabs my hand, and I'm a little shocked, but try not to think much of it. He's just really outgoing, and is trying to make me less shy. As much as I could wish, he isn't gay.

 

"Holy fuck, look how cute that boy is!" Pete exclaims, rather loudly. Oh, well, I guess he does have some interest in boys.

 

"Who?" I ask, softly. Pete points to a tall kid standing by himself. His dirty blond hair falls under his glasses, and his beanie is hanging right above his bangs. I shrug. He's okay, I guess. Not really my type. Pete drags me closer to this boy.

 

"Hi, I'm Pete Wentz, and I'm very single," he says. The boy looks at him, in complete shock.

 

"Oh...well, I, uh, my name is um...Mikey," he finally manages to get out. Pete smiles and whips out a pen and paper from who knows where, and scribbles something on it. He hands the paper to Mikey.

 

"Name and number. Call me, cutie," Pete says, smiling his bright, white smile, and dragging me to somewhere, I don't fucking know with this kid.

 

"You're upfront," I say. Pete just shrugs.

 

"I take you only live once very seriously. How about we find our bedroom?"

 

"Yeah, okay," I whisper. I walk with him silently down the hallway. Our name are efficiently on the doors, so we walk into the room labeled "Frank Iero and Peter Wentz." Huh, Peter, it didn't occur to me that was his full name, it definitely doesn't fit him. I look at the boy who's obviously dyed black hair is covering his eyes almost completely, who's eyes are so dark I can't even tell what color they're supposed to be, who's jeans are hanging so low on him his belt proves to be useless.

 

"So what way do you swing?" He asks me.

 

"Wait, what?" I ask, completely confused.

 

"What do you like? Boys, girls, both, neither?"

 

"Oh...oh! I like, uh, girls, yeah. Straight."

 

"Are you homophobic?" He asks, cautiously.

 

"No."

 

"Okay, good, because I am the gayest boy you will meet in your entire life." I smile softly.

 

"That's okay," I say, sitting down on of the beds. Pete sits down next to me, a little closer than I would have liked.

 

"So, Frank, tell me about yourself," he says, putting his arm around my waist, and sending a wave of electricity through my body.


	2. Gerard (9/6/16)

Alexander Gaskarth. Of course. He's my roommate. Not that I have a problem with him, he's friends with my best friend, but I have this suspicion that they're more than friends. In fact, I know they're hanging out right now. The door opens, and there he is.

"Hey, mate, how was your summer?" He asks me, smiling widely. I try to find something not extremely salty to say.

"You, uh, changed your hair," I say.

"Yeah! Jack and I both dyed part of our hair blond."

"Of course you and Jack did," I say under my breath.

"What?" Alex asks.

"Nothing. So, roommates, huh?" I say. Alex grins.

"Yeah! It should be good, I know your Jack's best friend, and I've wanted to get to know you better. You seem really cool."

"Thanks," I mutter, "I'm the school's biggest douche bag, and I'm not giving up that title."

"Okay...," Alex says, slowly. "So, Jack said you write songs. Can I read some?"

"No," I say flatly. This is going to be an extremely long year.


	3. Alex (9/6/16)

**Alex Gaskarth** \- _so...why is he your friend again?_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _He's a good person, he just doesn't like to show that part of him._

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _right..._

 **Jack Barakat** \- _Give him a shot. I'll see you tomorrow. Night, Lexy._

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _night, Jacky. love you_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _Love you too._  
\---  
I wake up to the unfortunate sound of my alarm. I groan and hit my phone, trying to stop it.

"Shut off your fucking alarm, Gaskarth," Gerard says, his head buried into his pillow.

"I'm working on it," I say, annoyed. The sound finally stops. "What's your first class?" I ask, standing up.

"Uh, algebra 2."

"Oh, same," I say, pulling on a t-shirt and trying to fit into my skinny jeans.

"Fantastic," Gerard says. I roll my eyes at the amount of sarcasm in his voice.

"Look, mate, I want to be friends. What have I done to you?"

"Nothing," he says, a little too quickly. I would try to get more out of him, but I'm too tired for this right now. I trudge my way to algebra 2, and half-sleep throughout the class. I have Gerard in my first four classes, but I cheer up when I remember that Jack is also in my third and fourth, as well as my last two classes of the day. I see him in history, and I crash into him because I ran up and hugged him so tightly. I did just see him yesterday, however, I did go a full two and a half months without seeing him in person, and I've missed him so much. He's startled, but he ends up wrapping his long arms around me and pulling me close to him.

"Hey, baby," he whispers, very softly. A lot of the class has ended up staring at us, so we silently sit down. Gerard shoots me plenty of dirty looks, but I try to ignore them. I seriously want to know what his problem is with me. Maybe he knows about...no. He couldn't know. Yeah, he is Jack's best friend, but I don't think Jack would tell him. Even if he did, though, why would he care? Maybe he's jealous. Maybe he thinks I'm taking Jack away from him. I start feeling bad now. I try to not think about it too much, especially when I sit with both of them at lunch. Jack and I hold hands under the table, hiding it from everyone else. A freshman comes over and sits with us, and I look at Gerard and Jack weird.

"Oh, this is my brother, Mikey. Mikey, that's Alex and Jack," Gerard says. Mikey smiles awkwardly, then looks back down at his food.

"Gerard, I got a boy's number yesterday," Mikey says.

"Oh, yeah? That's cool," Gerard says. He engages in a conversation with Mikey, which is weird. I've never seen Gerard genuinely care about anyone, but here he is, having a whole conversation with his brother, who I'm pretty sure is somewhere on the spectrum of social disabilities. I dunno, I guess I shouldn't get too over-analytical.


	4. Jack (9/7/16)

"I don't know, I just don't think I feel comfortable having a tranny in here," I hear some boy, his name is Lucas, I think, say. I look at Alex, and then at Lucas. "Yeah, you are a girllll, they shouldn't have even let you in here," Lucas continues. I'm a lot taller than Lucas, so I step in between him and whoever he's making fun of.

"Do you have a problem, Barakat?" Lucas asks me.

"I do. Who the hell are you making fun of?" I ask. Lucas points behind me and I turn around. There stands a kid who looks to be about a foot shorter than me. He's pretty feminine looking, but I don't want to make any assumptions on if he's trans or not.

"Go to gym, okay? Lucas just has his own insecurities that he feels the need to take out on innocent people. Don't listen to him." The boy I say this too looks at me gratefully, and then runs out. I turn back around to face Lucas.

"She's a tranny, I heard her talking about it with the counselor. She shouldn't even be allowed at this school," Lucas says.

"He is transgender," I correct him, "and he has as much place at this school as anyone else here does. And, he's more of a man than you will ever be," I say to him. With that, I walk out of the locker room. Alex follows me.

"Damn, Jack, that was...really good," he says, "you don't even know that kid." I shrug.

"No one deserves that. Especially over things that they can't help," I say. I see this kid sitting on the bleachers, so I go up to him.

"Hey, thanks for saving me in there," he says to me.

"Don't worry about it. If Lucas ever bothers you again, tell me about it, okay? I'm Jack, by the way."

"Josh," he responds, "also, if you could like not tell anyone about the trans thing, that would be great."

"Alright. I promise," I say. Josh smiles, relieved.

"Thank you," he says, then gets up to go participate in whatever sport. Alex smiles and grips my hand tightly.

"Wow, I love you so much," he says. I smile softly.

"I love you too, Lexy."


	5. Josh (9/8/16)

"Hey, can I sit by you?" I ask Frank, the kid I met in the cafeteria on the first day of school.

"Oh, yeah," he says, pushing his stuff over and making room for me. I smile gratefully and sit down.

"So, how you do like school so far?" I ask him.

"Uh, it's okay. I haven't really talked to anybody, outside my roommate, but, hey, it's not where I live, so there's that. How about you?"

"Well...I guess okay. My roommate doesn't really talk and you know that whole thing that happened in the locker room yesterday...," I say, softly. The only people who saw that were Lucas, Frank, Jack, and this other boy who was with Jack.

"Oh, yeah, that was scary, but if it makes you feel any better, I didn't know you were trans when I first saw you. I just thought you were a more feminine looking boy. Which, I mean, you are, I meant like biologically...," he trails off.

"First time with a trans person?" I ask.

"Yeah, but like, I don't care or anything, I just might mess up, but I don't have a problem with it," he says, awkwardly. I smile.

"It's okay," I say, "it's a hard concept, and I get when people mess up and stuff."

"Okay. But, it was nice of that boy to stand up for you yesterday," he says.

"Yeah, it was, I'm glad not everyone here is transphobic. It's a lot better than when I was in public school."

"Oh, what happened there?" I talk to Frank for the rest of the period. It turns out that he's a really good listener. Well, that, or he's just extremely shy. And, I have been told that I talk a lot. Either way, Frank is nice and doesn't interrupt me. We have the same class together second period, and he walks with me there. He sits next to Pete Wentz, and I sit on the other side of Pete.

"Oh, hey, Josh," he says, surprised. "You and Frank are friends?"

"Yeah, he's a really good listener," I say.

"Well, he has to be, I think you talk even more than I do," Pete responds. I take that as a slight insult, especially since the only time I really ever talked to Pete was on the first day, in the cafeteria. However, I know he didn't mean to be rude, it's just his personality, from what I can tell, he's very upfront about everything. Pretty much everyone in the hallway heard him yell about some cute boy.

"Pete, that was kind of rude," Frank whispers.

"Oh, it was? I'm sorry, Josh," he says, with genuine sorrow.

"That's okay," I say, smiling softly. It turns out that Frank is in every single one of my classes, even my free period, which is nice because I feel like he's kind of my friend, and I get to sit with him and Pete at lunch, unlike yesterday when I sat in the hallway alone. Pete flirts with me a lot, but I don't think it means anything, because he does the same to Frank, and I keep seeing him eye this other boy at every chance he gets.

"Oh, that kid?" He's sitting with Jack," I tell Pete.

"Who's Jack?" He asks me.

"The one who has the darker hair with less blond in it, and has a black jacket on," I say.

"Oh, okay, is he friends with Mikey?"

"Who's Mikey? Oh, the boy you like? I don't know. I've only ever seen him with the boy who has blonder hair. I think they're older than us." Frank is staring at that table too, but he's staring at the fourth boy there, the one who has silver hair, pretty good facial structure, and I'm not positive, but I think he's wearing dark eyeshadow.

"Frank, are you okay?" I ask. Frank jumps about a half a foot.

"What? Yeah, I'm fine. Why?" He asks.

"You've been hardcore spacing out," I say.

"Oh, I was just...you know...uh, I'm going to the bathroom," he says, blushing deeply, standing up, and leaving the cafeteria.

"What's his deal?" Pete asks.

"I think he likes that boy at the table," I say, pointing.

"That's Gerard Way, Mikey's brother," Pete says.

"How do you know that?" I ask. Pete shrugs.

"I do my stalking well. Anyways, my point is, Frank's not gay. He likes girls." I raise my eyebrows at him.

"And how can you be so sure?"

"Well...I guess he could be gay...or at least bi or something."

"Or straight with an exception," I say. Frank doesn't come back for the rest of lunch.


	6. Tyler (9/10/16)

"So, are you like, going to talk at all?" My roommate, Joshua, asks me. I pretend to not hear him. He just sighs and says, "okay, well I'm going to go hang out with my friends, Frank and Pete, and you're more than welcome to come. We're going to go stalk boys and try to prove Frank's gayness." Shit, does he know something? No, I haven't talked to him at all, he wouldn't know. I don't want any suspicion about anything on me, so I say,

"Yeah, sure, Joshua. I'll come." He looks shocked to hear me speak (which is understandable because I haven't talked to anyone since the first day of school), but all he says is

"Okay. Cool. You can call me Josh, by the way."

"Okay. Josh." I stand up and follow him. He walks down the hallway into a door for Frank Iero and Peter Wentz.

"Hey, guys, this is Tyler, he's going to hang out with us," Josh says, "Tyler, this is Pete and Frank," he says, pointing respectively.

"Hi Tyler," Pete says, excitedly.

"Hey," Frank says softly. So far, I like Frank better, so I walk over to him.

"Your gages are cool," I say quietly. I see a hint of a smile on his face.

"Thanks. I mostly got them in spite, because I knew Macy and Spencer would hate them."

"Who are Macy and Spencer?" I ask.

"Foster parents."

"Oh...," I have a sudden interest in Frank, but I have a filter, so I don't say anything.

"Are we going to go stalk Mikey now?" Pete asks.

"Yeah, yeah. Do you know where he'd be?" Josh says.

"Well, I know where his room is, and he shares with Dallon Weekes, so I bet Dallon would tell us, because Mikey never leaves his room, but on the off chance he does, we better sit in the hallway just in case," Pete states.

"Is he always like this?" I whisper to Frank.

"Yeah, he's dedicated." We all end up sitting in the hall, and Pete and Josh engage in some conversation, as do Frank and I.

"It's refreshing to see someone so open about their gayness," I say. Frank sighs.

"Yeah. Must be nice to have all that confidence."

"Are you...?" I start. Frank shakes his head. "Oh...me neither." My heart sinks a little bit. I'm not really attracted too Frank, but I kind of really wish he was gay. As if on cue, Pete faces us and says,

"Okay, Frank, while we wait for the future love of my life to come down this hall, tell me about the boy you like."

"B-boy? I don't like a boy," Frank stutters.

"Frank, you know it's okay, I'm obviously going to accept you no matter what, so is Josh, and I bet Tyler will too." I want to nod, but I feel frozen.

"That's nice of you...but seriously, I'm straight, okay?" Frank says, almost too defensively. Pete just sighs, and hugs him.

"Hey, um, sorry, I just need to get though," a voice says. I look up and see a boy who I recognize, but couldn't tell you the name of.

"I see you haven't taken me up on my offer of texting me ," Pete says, standing up and facing him (well, as best as he can, Pete's about three inches shorter than him).

"Oh...yeah...I just really want to get through, I'm going to see my brother," he says.

"Aww, a boy as pretty as you are shouldn't walk to the junior hallway alone, I'll come with you," Pete says. Oh. Mikey.

"O-okay," Mikey says, slightly confused. Pete walks away with him, and I'm left facing Frank and Josh.

"You should have gone with them. Gotten your chance with his brother," Josh says to Frank.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Frank says, "look, it's been good, I'll see you later. Nice meeting you, Tyler." He gets up and leaves, and I'm left alone with Josh.


	7. Mikey (9/10/16)

"Okay, uh, thanks for walking me, I guess. This is my brother's room, I'll see you later," I say, hoping Pete goes away. He gives me a weird feeling, which I do kind of like, but I push that far, far down.

"Alright, see you, beautiful. Remember, you have my number. Also, happy birthday," Pete says. He hugs me, then walks away. I touch my ribs, which I feel have become 700 times more sensitive since Pete put his arms around there while hugging me. I wonder how he knew my birthday. I knock on Gerard's door softly.

"Hey, Mikes, your brother is in the cafeteria doing homework right now, but you're more than welcome to come hang out with Jack and I," Alex says, once he opens the door.

"Okay. Sure," I say, walking in. I'm a little confused, as Alex is shirtless, and both his and Jack's hair is extremely messed up, but I don't say anything.

"Hey, Mikey, happy birthday" Jack says, smiling. I smile back. I turn and face the mirror, and adjust my beanie. In the reflection, I see Jack kissing Alex quickly. Stunned, I take a step back and turn around. Jack is acting like nothing happened. So is Alex, but he's grinning slightly. I sit down silently on Gerard's bed.

"How are you liking school, Mikes?" Alex asks me.

"Oh...it's okay. I met this boy and he's really nice, but he's kind of weird," I say.

"Oh, Jack and I have something for you," Alex says, handing me a wrapped package, "so in what way is this boy weird?"

"Well...he gave me his number and he keeps telling me how cute and pretty and beautiful I am and he keeps telling me to text him and he knew today was my birthday and it's giving me a weird feeling." Alex and Jack look at each other.

"Mikes, I think this boy likes you," Alex says, softly.

"Yeah, he's nice, I know he likes me," I say, confused.

"No, Alex means like-like," Jack says. I guess he notices my unchanging confused expression because he adds, "I think he wants to be your boyfriend." Something about the word "boyfriend" makes a bunch of knots in my stomach.

"But...that's wrong. Boys can't like each other like that," I say, slowly.

"Of course they can," Alex says, "boys can like boys, and girls can like girls, just as much as a boy can like a girl."

"That's not what my brother told me," I say. Alex shoots Jack a look and Jack sighs.

"Look, Mikey, your brother is wrong. You can like whoever you want to, there's nothing wrong with it, okay? In fact, let me show you something," Jack says. He grabs Alex by the waist and kisses him, this time for longer, and something connects between them. And for a reason I can't figure out, I feel a pang of jealousy.


	8. Pete (9/13/16)

"Can I talk to you?" Mikey asks me while I'm at lunch.

"Yeah, of course," I say. For one of the first times in my life, I feel nervous and anxious. My heart is pounding into my throat, my chest feels like it's being crushed by bricks, and I think I might throw up. Why am I so nervous? I flirt with him all the time. Mikey and I go out into the hallway.

"My friends Jack and Alex say you like-like me. In the boyfriend way. Is that true?" He asks.

"Yeah...," I respond, and I swear I see my vision going black.

"Then I'd like to give you this," he says. And then, he kisses me. It's my first kiss, and I can tell that it's extremely awkward, but I really like it. Anxiety is replaced by excitement, but the kiss only lasts for a couple of seconds, and then he pulls away. "I think I like you in the boyfriend way. But, my brother would kill me if he knew I was doing this, so I don't think we can date. I'm sorry." Mikey takes one last awkward look at me, then walks away. My head is still spinning, so I lean up against a wall. Everything happened so fast. He was asking me if I liked him, then he kissed me, and then...he was gone. If I hadn't been so fucking awkward, I could've said something that would have at least maybe made him reconsider. I bite my lip to keep from crying because I can already feels the tears threatening to spill over. This was the first school year I decided I was going to be open about my sexuality and get a boyfriend. And, the boy I liked, I lost my chance with. In my mind I know there could be other boys, I mean, school just started, but I wanted that one. I kick the wall as hard as I can out of frustration. The bell signaling the end of lunch rings, and I really don't want to talk to any of my friends right now, so I go to bathroom and hide under the sink, thankfully it's my free period. My next two classes are with Mikey, and I don't know if I can stand to see him. The bathroom door open, and I try to make myself appear smaller. Unfortunately, Josh sees me.

"Pete? Are you okay? What happened at lunch?" He asks. I shake my head, this is the last thing I want to talk about. Josh comes and sits down next to me. He hugs me tightly, which I guess is what finally breaks me. I start crying, which I haven't done in forever, and it's really bad. My whole body is shaking, and I can barely breath. Josh keeps hugging me, he barely even seems effected. He pushes my bangs away from my eyes, making me look at him. "Pete, what happened?" He asks.

"He kissed me," I whisper.

"Well, isn't that good? You liked him, right?" Josh asks, confused.

"Yes. And then he left, saying his brother wouldn't approve."

"Aw, man, I'm so sorry," Josh says. He continues to hold me, which is something I didn't know I would like, and was definitely not something I knew I needed.


	9. Frank (9/13/16)

I look at Mikey, trying to get the courage to talk to him. I purposely sat next to him today, so I could ask him what happened at lunch. Now, I just have to stop being such a dumbass and go talk to him.

"Uh, Mikey?" I say, very softly. But, he hears me. He turns to face me.

"Oh, hey, ummm...," he stares at me with a blank expression.

"Frank. So, I'm just wondering, because he's my best friend, what were you talking to Pete at lunch about?" I ask.

"I kissed him," Mikey says, nonchalantly.

"Wait, you what?" I ask, speaking the loudest I probably have since I got here.

"Yeah. He likes me in the boyfriend way," he states.

"Yeah, yeah, I know that. So are you guys dating now?" Mikey shakes his head. "Why?"

"My brother. He would kill me. He doesn't like when boys date or anything." My heart sinks. Not that I liked Mikey's brother, because I definitely didn't, but I mean, it sucks for Pete.

"Oh...okay. I'm sorry?" I ask.

"It's okay. He's a really cute boy though. Can you tell him I said that?"

"Yeah, I'll pass on the message," I say, not making an effort to make myself sound clear. I don't talk for the rest of the period. Pete doesn't show up for the next class, and neither does Josh. I end up sitting by Tyler.

"Do you know where Josh is?" He asks as soon as I sit down.

"No, both him and Pete are gone."

"Oh, yeah, where did Pete go at lunch?"

"Oh, uh, Mikey was just asking him something?" I say like it's a question. Tyler looks at me strangely but doesn't interrogate me. Josh shows up for the next class, but still no Pete. "Dude, where's Pete?" I ask.

"He's chilling. Shit happened at lunch," Josh says.

"I know. Mikey told me. Is he okay?"

"He'll be fine. It was just scary. Don't tell him this, but he cried in front of me."

"He did?" Pete never struck me as someone who would cry, especially over this. Maybe Pete's feelings for Mikey are stronger than I thought.

\---

"Hey, Pete, you okay?" I ask, once I get to our room after school.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he says. He's laying on his bed, his black hair covering his eyes most of the way. I sit down on his bed and run my fingers through his hair softly. "That's really gay," he comments. I drop his hair and stand up.

"Right, which I'm not," I say.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask.

"I'll let you figure it out, Frank," Pete says, pulling me closer to him. He stands up, so he's a little too close to me.

"Pete, what are you doing?" I whisper. He puts his hand under my shirt, and his freezing hands brush against my ribcage. He keeps his eyes locked with mine, all the confidence he seemed to have lost is coming back. I hold my breath as Pete slowly moves his hand down. I should tell him to stop, there's so many things wrong with this. He's my best friend, I've known for less than a week, he likes someone else, but I like this. A lot. His hand stops at my jeans.

"It's okay to like it," he whispers. He steps back, and I can't help but to feel disappointed.


	10. Gerard (9/15/16)

"So, you still haven't made any friends?" I ask Mikey.

"No...well, I sort of did, I guess," he answers.

"What does that mean?" I ask. He looks at Alex and Jack, then at me.

"It means nothing. I don't have any friends," he says, maybe a little too quickly.

"Michael...," I start.

"Don't fucking call me that," he says, his voice cracking. He picks up his lunch and trashes it, then leaves the table.

"What the hell is his problem?" I ask, Jack and Alex. It was rhetorical, but they look at each other like they know something. "Guys, what happened?"

"Well, he didn't make a friend," Jack says, emphasizing the friend part.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask.

"Holy shit, are you really that fucking clueless? Look a couple of tables over," Alex says, standing up angrily, and walking out of the room. Confused, I look a couple of tables over until I see what Alex was talking about.

"Don't. Say. Anything," Jack says, in a semi-threatening tone. "He rejected that boy because of you. Let him have this."

"He rejected him for me? Mikey's not even gay," I say.

"Really? Because that doesn't look too heterosexual to me," Jack says. Jack's right, Mikey's kissing another boy. I start to stand up, but Jack does too. "You are not going to ruin this moment for Mikey."

"But, he's a faggot," I say.

"Yeah, well so am I, Gerard."

"I figured as much," I state.

"Just leave Mikey alone, okay?"

"Wait, Jack, how did you know about Mikey rejecting him for me?" I ask.

"Because Mikey told Alex and I."

"Oh..okay."  
\---  
After school, I go to Mikey's room. I knock on his door softly, and his roommate answers.

"Hey, is Mikey here?" I ask.

"Oh, yeah, Michael, someone's here for you," he says. Mikey comes over.

"I don't want to talk to you," he says, immediately.

"Michael. Talk to me," I say. Mikey gives in, as always, and shuts the door. "I like your beanie. Where'd you get it?" I ask, trying to make small talk.

"Jack and Alex gave it to me for my birthday. What the fuck do you want?"

"Dude, why do you keep swearing at me? Whatever, that's not the point. Mikey, I saw you kissing a boy earlier. I'm not mad at you, but I want you to realize how bad that is and what a mistake you made. It's okay, though, it was just that one time."

"No, Gerard, I like that boy. Like-like him. And, I realized I don't care what you think. I met Pete without your help, and his friends told me I could start sitting with them at lunch. I don't need to listen to you."

"Well, Mikey, until you decide to stop being a faggot, find yourself another older brother," I say, pushing him against the door.

"Already got Jack and Alex," he says, with as much confidence I've ever seen in him in my entire life. Then, he runs back into his room and slams the door as hard as he can.


	11. Alex (9/17/16)

"So, Mikes, how's your first relationship going?" I ask Mikey after school, while he's hanging out with Jack and I.

"Oh, it's really good. He's really sweet, and his friends are really nice too, even though two of them don't talk much and the other one talks way too much, but I like them," Mikey says, his face genuinely lighting up.

"That's really good, so uh, have you talked to your brother about it?" I ask, cautiously.

"Yeah. He disowned me and pushed me into a door. But, I don't care. I have Pete, I have his friends, and I have you guys. I'm okay."

"Yeah, but that's got to hurt, doesn't it?" Jack asks.

"Well, yes, but, I can't really rely on Gerard forever," he says, "well, I should go, Pete wants me to hang out with him and his friends, which I'm really nervous about, because I've only done it at lunch."

"You'll be okay, love you, Mikes," I say, standing up and hugging him.

"You too, Alex," he says, hugging me back, "I'll come talk to you guys tomorrow. If Gerard isn't here." He opens the door and leaves, and I stare at the door for a second.

"Wow, you're really good with him," Jack says.

"Yeah, I dunno, he just deserves better than what he got," I state, shrugging.

"He's got a boyfriend now, and it's what? Less than two weeks into the school year? He's doing okay. It's nice, though, how much you care about him," he says.

"It's kind of like when you stood up for that Josh kid on the first day of school, except I know Mikey well." Jack nods and hugs me. I notice something and frown.

"Jacky, you promised me you didn't," I whisper.

"What do you mean?" He asks. I point to his wrists and he quickly pulls the sleeves of his jacket down.

"No, those are old...," he says.

"That's complete shit, why the fuck didn't you tell me?" I'm more than just a little annoyed now.

"Okay...I did a few times, I couldn't help it, okay?"

"I get that, but you didn't even tell me? Before summer ended, you promised me that you would try your hardest to not cut yourself, and if you did, you would tell me. I kept my end of the deal," I say.

"I already feel like shit," he mutters.

"Yeah, well, how the fuck do you think I feel, then?" I ask.

"I think I should go now. I'll see you on Monday. Maybe talk before then. Bye, Alex," he says, not even trying to explain anything. I look at the door, hurt. And a little in shock. This is the first fight Jack and I have ever had. I mean, we've had like minor arguments and stuff, but those were basically irrelevant. We've been dating for over seven months now, and nothing like that has ever happened. I'm sure we'll get through it, but part of me is absolutely terrified that we won't. I need Jack more than I'd like to admit.


	12. Jack (9/19/16)

By Monday, Alex and I hadn't spoken at all. I still felt bad, but I think he overreacted. Then again, he did keep his end of the deal, and I had been planning on never telling him about it. My first class with him was third period, where we had history together. I walked into the classroom and the seat next to him was empty, so I go and sit down.

"Hey, Jack," he says, like everything is normal.

"Hey, Lexy, how was your weekend?" I ask.

"It was missing a cute boy," he replies. I smile at him.

"So, are we good?" I ask him.

"I guess so. Talk more after school?"

"Sure."

\---

Alex comes into my dorm after school.

"Are you mad at me still?" I ask him.

"No, I never really was. It just makes me sad, Jack. I love you so much, and every time you hurt yourself, it just hurts me a little bit more. I guess I get it now, though."

"What do you mean?" I ask him.

"I, uh, sort of tried it yesterday...," he says, awkwardly.

"You're a fucking whore. Let me see," I say, sighing deeply. He lifts his shirt, exposing lots of tiny cuts on his abdomen. "Alex," I whisper, extending his name out.

"I know. I won't do it again, though, I swear." I look at him, taking a minute deciding if I can trust him.

"Okay," I say, finally. I hug him tightly. "I love you, you know that?"

"I know, Jacky," he says, quietly.

"If you ever do that to yourself again, I swear I will slap you. Even if I must go all the way to Britain, Alexander." Alex laughs softly.

"I would love for you to come to Britain," he says.

"I would too. Maybe after senior year, sometime." Alex's face gets serious.

"Jack, what are we going to do after senior year? I know I want to go to college somewhere in America, but we probably won't be in the same one, so, what are we going to do?"

"Alex, we're only juniors, we still have almost two years left," I say, even though I've been thinking about it a lot too.

"I know. I'm sorry. I just love you so much, and I want to be with you."

"Yeah, it's okay, we'll figure it out. I promise."


	13. Josh (9/22/16)

I like Tyler and all, he's a nice boy, really, but he's been acting extremely weird around me. He didn't really talk much to start with, but now, whenever I talk to him, he just stares at me a second before answering. I catch him looking at me a lot while I'm not looking, and it's been weirding me out a lot.

"Guys, have you noticed Tyler acting, I don't know, weird around me?" I ask Frank and Mikey during Spanish class. If I had had my choice, I would have asked Pete, because he's my only friend who really talks, but Spanish is what I have right after lunch and I need confirmation that I'm not crazy.

"I don't know. I like Tyler," Frank says.

"No, I mean, I do too, he's really nice, but I've noticed him staring at me a lot, but it could just be me." Frank looks uncomfortable and turns back to his work. I look at Mikey, who I really do not think will be any help because he's the most awkward human I have met in my entire life, but to my surprise, he chimes in with,

"I've noticed. Pete did the same things to me when he had a crush on me." Frank turns back around to look at me. I fall silent, I think for the first time in my life.

"You think Tyler likes me?" I ask, after about a minute of nobody talking.

"Yeah. In the boyfriend way," Mikey states, as if that wasn't obvious. Class ends, and I am forced to face Tyler in history, my next class. Unfortunately, I sit on the end of the row, so he's the only person next to me. Him and Frank whisper to each other for most of the class and I hear my name come up at least twice. Frank is my only friend in my last class, which is a relief because I'm dying to talk to him. I refuse to go in the locker rooms still, so I have to wait until Frank comes out.

"Do you know anything about how Tyler feels about me?" I ask him. Frank shifts his weight, then says,

"You swear to not tell him?" I nod. "Yeah. He has a huge crush on you." For some reason, this makes me blush, and I'm sure that I'm a very unattractive shade of red.

"Wow. I mean, he is cute, but not really my type. He's a little too quiet for me."

"I think that you guys would be a very cute couple," Frank whispers so quietly that I barely hear him. But, I do.


	14. Tyler (9/25/16)

Josh knows something. I have a feeling Frank probably told him. I should be mad at Frank, but I have no proof that he did, plus it would be better than me telling him myself. He's been making weird comments these last few days, about how he's single and looking for a boyfriend, even a quiet one. He has three quiet friends that I know of. There's Mikey, but he's dating Pete so I bet that's out. That leaves Frank and me. It could be Frank, I guess, but Frank seems insistent on the fact that he's straight. I really doubt that he is, but hey, not my place to say anything. Anyways, that leaves me. And I like Josh. A lot. He's cute, and he's always been nice to me. He's funny, and even though him talking so much is a little intimidating, he has a nice voice. It's not deep like most of the guys in our grade, and I like it. It's killing me a little bit on the inside, so I decide to give in and tell him. I look at him, he's listening to music out loud and mouthing along to the words.

"Josh," I say, quietly. He doesn't hear me. "Josh," I repeat, a little bit louder. He turns his music down and raises his eyebrows at me.

"'Sup, Tyler?" He asks.

"You know I like you," I say, fucking hoping that I was correcting in assuming he knows.

"Yes," he says, a little surprised, "I do." I wait for him to say more, but he doesn't.

"Okay...," I say after a couple of seconds of nothing.

"Sorry, Tyler, I just don't like you in that way," he says, turning his music back on.


	15. Mikey (9/28/16)

"Mikey, Kellin, you guys are team captains," the coach says, "Mikey gets first pick." I look at my choices.

"Pete."

"Brendon."

"Tyler."

"Looks like we've got a team of faggots," I hear someone whisper as Tyler walks over to where Pete and I are standing.

"You're just insecure because at least I got a man, your dicks are so small that you can never get some," Pete shoots back, loud enough for them to hear, but not the coach. We finish picking teams, and divide into a game for basketball. I hate sports than almost anything in the entire world, but basketball isn't the worst because I'm taller than most of the guys on my team, and even though I am one of the most uncoordinated people in existence, I can run fast. By the end of class, I'm drenched in sweat because I played harder than I'm used to. Once we're in the locker rooms, I noticed Pete staring at me a lot more than usual. I put my hoodie on and go over to him.

"Dude, why are you staring at me so much?" I ask.

"Sorry," Pete says, looking up at me, "you're just really fucking hot."

"Well, yeah, did you see how much I ran? I'm sweating like a...and I just got what you meant," I say, blushing deeply. "Thank you, Pete, I've never been told that before."

"Well, it's true. You want to just ditch lunch? We can go hang out in my room."

"Oh, yeah, okay, that sounds good," I say, a little bit relieved. I hate being around his friends. They're all nice people, I like Tyler especially, but I can't deal with social situations. The only people I'm comfortable around now are Pete and Alex (and Jack if Alex is there). Pete's so outgoing, so he's always talking to all his friends, and I just want to be alone with him, and we never can because we both have roommates. So, anyways, what I'm trying to say is that I'm more than happy to just sit with him at lunch. We walk to his room and sit down on his bed. He grips my waist tightly and he kisses me. This one is different than previous ones have been. He usually just kisses me quickly, but he doesn't stop this one. He brushes his fingers through my hair and my stomach immediately goes into about a thousand knots. Pete pulls away a little bit.

"Are you okay?" He asks very softly.

"Yes. We're not going to...you know...right?" Pete rolls his eyes and hugs me.

"Dude, no, we're not, I'm not really comfortable with that, and we haven't been dating for that long anyways. Added, we're fourteen. However, if I'm making you uncomfortable, just let me know, okay, babe?" He asks.

"Okay," I say, smiling. I kiss him this time, and I'm the one who brushes my fingers through his hair. I can feel his cold hands go up my shirt, and I think about stopping him, but for some reason, I like it. He moves his lips away from mine and puts them on my jaw and then on my neck. I moan a little bit, then he looks up at me.

"Can I tell you something, Mikey?" He asks, seriously.

"Yeah. Of course," I say, a little nervously.

"I know this really hasn't been a thing with us yet, but I want you to know that I love you. You don't have to say it back or anything, but, uh, yeah, I love you...," Pete says, trailing off his sentence, looking uncomfortable.

"You know, I love you too, Pete. And, it's nice not being the awkward one for once."


	16. Pete (10/3/16)

"Frank, get up, it's time for school," I say, nailing him in the head with a pillow.

"Classes were cancelled today," he says, still half-asleep, and throwing the pillow back at me. I look at the school website on my phone.

"Oh," I say, and lay down again, trying to go back to sleep. After about an hour I realize that it's useless, and I text Mikey.

 **Pete Wentz** \- _Hey, baby, do you want to hang out?_

 **Mikey Way** \- _yes ill come to your room in a few_

 **Pete Wentz** \- _Okay! I love you :)!_

There's a knock on the door four and a half minutes later. I hug Mikey tightly and we sit on my bed.

"Frank's still sleeping so we have to be sort of quiet," I say, pointing to Frank.

"That's okay. I know what we can do that's quiet," he says, quickly moving into kissing me. Damn, that boy may me the most awkward person I have met in my entire life, but he has his moments of complete and utter smoothness. I kiss him back, running my hands up his shirt like I've started doing whenever we make out. After about a minute, I hear the door open and close quietly. I push Mikey away for a second.

"Where did Frank go?" I ask.

"I guess he left," Mikey says, shrugging. I kiss Mikey again and try to not think about it. He probably just didn't want to interrupt, or maybe he just felt awkward. Those are both rational things, but for some reason I'm worried about him. Mikey and I just talk for another hour or so, and then Frank comes back. He looks like he's been crying, but I don't want to ask him. "Frank, you can come sit with us if you'd like," I say. Frank stands up slowly and sits on my bed. He makes a little bit of input to our conversation, but I can tell that his mind is somewhere else completely. "Are you okay?" I ask, looking at him.

"Yes," he says, seeming shocked. "Fine, why?"

"No reason...," I say quietly.

"You look like you've been crying," Mikey says, bluntly.

"I have been," Frank says, then changes the subject.

"Jack and Alex talk about you a lot," Mikey says, ignoring his attempted topic change.

"Oh? What do they say?" He asks. "Alex feels bad for you. His roommate, my brother, tells him a lot about how much you stare at him and how it's never going to happen because my brother is really homophobic and anyways Alex says that he hopes you get over it because he doesn't want you to end up getting hurt."

"I knew you liked him!" I say before I can stop myself.

"Shut the fuck up, Pete," Frank says, which okay, in his defense, is a little bit rational, but thing he says next isn't. "I knew I shouldn't have agreed to talking to faggots."


	17. Frank (10/3/16)

"I knew I shouldn't have agreed to talking to faggots." As soon as that leaves my mouth, I know I fucked up. A look of shock strikes Pete's face, but is quickly replaced by hurt.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Mikey asks, startling me because he rarely talks, and when he does, I've never heard him be rude to anybody or even swear.

"I-I don't know...," I stutter, "I'm really sorry." I walk out quickly, and go back into the cafeteria where I was before. The only person in there right now is probably the person I wanted to see least right now. I try to exit quietly, but my dumbass runs straight into the door. "Motherfucker," I say under my breath. My nose is dripping blood, so I stagger over to where the paper towels are. I look up at Gerard for a second who's watching me intently.

"Do you, uh, need any help?" He asks, I can tell trying not to die with laughter.

"I'm fine," I mutter, holding one of the paper towels under my nose."

"Probably not the impression you wanted to make on the boy you're hopelessly in love with," he states.

"What?" I ask, "Why does everyone keep saying that?"

"Because it's pathetically obvious, um, Frank- is that your name? You stare at me a shit ton, plus you're friends with Mikey who my roommate loves, so I hear about this stuff."

"Okay..but you see, the thing is, I'm not a fag. And, even if I was, I wouldn't like you. You're an asshole."

"And you are too if you're using words like fag,"Gerard says before looking back down at his writing.


	18. Gerard (10/3/16)

I expect Frank to leave after that, but he doesn't, so I try my best to ignore him. Even when he comes and sits next to me on the table, I continue looking down at my notebook and writing.

"You're right," he says.

"Yep," I respond, still not looking up.

"I called my best friend that and I don't know what to do."

"Not my problem, kid."

"You really are an asshole," he says under his breath. And, for the first time, I look up.

"Look, why the hell would I care? I barely know you, all you are is the creepy kid who stares at my ass at any chance he gets. I have bigger problems than some dumb freshman who's having friendship drama." Frank looks genuinely hurt, and I feel bad for a second, then I remember that I'm a sociopath and don't care.

"What if I told you that my best friend is your brother's boyfriend? And I called him a faggot too?" He asks, walking across the room to get more paper towels.

"So...you know Mikey?" I ask slowly.

"Yeah, I've become friends with him through Pete."

"How's he doing?"

"He's fine as far as I know. Look, I should go and try and do some damage control with Mikey and Pete and make sure my nose isn't broken. Bye, Gerard."

"Bye, Frank," I say. I shut my notebook and walk back to my room. Jack left, so only Alex is there. 

"Hey," he says absentmindedly.

"Hey. I just had a conversation with Frank Iero."

"Really? About what?" He asks, sitting up.

"He called a couple of his friends faggots. Mikey included."

"But, I thought...," Alex starts.

"I know. Me too."

"Well, apparently, you guys are both complete douches. You really are meant to be together," Alex says. He doesn't talk to me for the rest of the night.


	19. Alex (10/6/16)

"Eat," Jack says, pushing his lunch tray towards me. I roll my eyes but take a breadstick and rip off a part of it and shove it in my mouth.

"Happy?" I ask.

"No. Because I don't know why you're not eating," Jack shoots at me.

"Can we please not do this in front of him?" I ask, looking at Gerard who's raising his eyebrows at me.

"I can, uh, leave you guys alone. I don't want to interrupt this fight," Gerard says.

"We're not fighting," Jack says, picking up tray and leaving the table.

"Seems like a fight to me," Gerard says, picking up a French fry and eating it nonchalantly.

"Shut the fuck up," I respond, "you don't know me. You don't know Jack. You don't know shit about our relationship. You're just an asshole who's so fucking desperate he pretends to know everything about everyone else's lives. You know, I hate you. I put up with you because your Jack's best friend for who knows what reason." I would continue, but the bell rings. I feel awful, but I meant all of it, and why should I care if I hurt his feelings? It's not like he's tried to spare mine. I go to my science class, but Jack doesn't end up showing up, so I have no partner for the day. In gym class, Josh comes up to me.

"Hey, is Jack here?" He asks me.

"I don't think he's coming. Why?"

"I always see him during this class, so I was just wondering if he was okay. Also, I kind of need advice. Do you think that you could help me?"

"Yeah, any excuse to miss gym." Josh gives a small laugh.

"Same." He sits down on the bench, and I take that cue to sit next to him. "So, I really like this kid. His name is Tyler."

"Tyler?" I ask. "Sorry for interrupting, but are you talking about Tyler Joseph?"

"Yeah, why?" "He's in chorus with me, and don't get me wrong, he seems like a really nice kid, but I've never heard him speak. And you seem really outgoing." I had an idea they were friends, because they're both friends with Mikey, and I've seen them next to each other at lunch, but the idea of Josh liking him in that way is weird to me.

"I know, I don't get it either. But, he's my roommate so I see him a lot. This is possibly the creepiest thing I have ever said, but I just watch him all the time. I watch the way he's focused when he's doing homework, I listen to how he breathes when he sleeps. And, he's one of the smartest people I know. He rarely talks, but when he does, I never want him to stop. Anyways, so the thing is, he likes me back. However, he doesn't know that I like him. I really want to ask him out. So, I guess my question is, how did you and Jack start going out?"

"Wait, hold up, kid," I say, "how did you know Jack and I were dating?"

"Mikey told me," he answers. Figures. "Let me think for a sec."

\---

_"Alex? I need to tell you something," Jack says, it's December of sophomore year._

_"_ _You can tell me anything, mate," I say, softly._

_"Okay...well, you see, I'm gay." This confuses me._

_"_ _Jack, you know that's not a big deal, you know about me," I say._

_"That's not all, though. You see, there's this boy that I really, really like." My heart drops. Jack, the boy I've been in love with since October, likes another boy._

_"I'm happy for you. Who is it?" I manage to somehow choke out._

_"He's this really amazing kid. He's almost six feet tall, he has blond and brown hair, he just turned sixteen, we've been friends since the beginning of this year, he's, uh, British."_

_"You really feel this way?" I ask, slipping my hand into his. He nods a little. "I feel the same way about you."_

\---

Once I'm done with my story, I look over at Josh.

"So, he just kind of admitted he liked you and you said you liked him back, and that, was it?" He asks.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Okay...I just have to figure out how to tell Tyler I like him when I already said that I don't. Thank you, though, Alex. I appreciate it. Can I ask for help on one more thing?" "Of course, Josh," I say, thinking how nice it is that someone genuinely wants to talk to me, and really wants my help. "So, I have this friend, his name is Frank. I'm sure Mikey's told you about him. So, Frank is cool, he's a lot like Tyler, generally nice kid. But, he called Mikey and Pete faggots. They both aren't talking to him, but I'm really stuck. The only one talking to him still is Tyler, but as you know, Tyler doesn't bring much conversation. I haven't talked to Frank, either, because Mikey and Pete are my friends, and you know, I'm trans and pansexual, so it affected me on some level, even if he didn't say it to me. However, Frank is also my friend, and I know he feels bad. Do you think I should talk to him?"

"I don't know for sure, mate. I heard from Mikey and his brother that Frank said that, and I've been debating myself what to think of Frank. I don't think you should completely ignore him, but make sure he knows how badly that can affect people. And Frank's one of the only students who knows your trans, right?" I ask.

"Yeah. Him, you, and Jack. Oh, and that douche in this class, but I don't like to count him," he says.

"Then he should understand how bad it can hurt you too." The bell for the end of school rings, so we stand up and I hug him. "Good luck, tell me how the Tyler thing goes.

"I will," Josh says, taking one last look around, then walking out.


	20. Jack (10/6/16)

**Alex Gaskarth** \- _are you still mad at me?_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _Never was._

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- _okay...see you tomorrow?_

 **Jack Barakat** \- _Yeah._

I put my phone down and sigh. I wasn't ever mad at him. I'm just worried. This last week he's been eating less. Not a significant amount, but enough for me to notice. He did good at the end of last year, so I don't know what's happening now. And, I know how this works. If I ask him, he'll get extremely defensive. I lay down, and try to sleep without think about Alex.

\---

I wake up at eight and try to get ready for my second period class. Alex is in my third period, and I spend all of second wondering what to say to him. He comes in fifteen minutes late. He sits down next to me, but doesn't look at me.

"Hey," I whisper to him. He smiles at me, so I think we're okay. We spend class watching a video, so I pass notes back and forth with him. I tell him that I love him, and he writes it back. We have lunch next, which presents the problem of him not eating.

"I give up," I say to him.

"I'm sorry, Jack, I don't know what's wrong with me."

"I don't either," I say without really thinking.

"Good to know that my boyfriend agrees there's something wrong with me."

"Alex, that's not what I meant."

"Whatever, Jack." In science, he sits at an empty table in the back, not where he usually sits, in the front with me. I let that go and don't try to talk to him until eighth period. I see him about to leave the locker room, so I run up to him and say,

"Look, Lexy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

"No, Jack, I'm done," he says, pushing open the door and leaving.


	21. Josh (10/8/16)

It's eleven at night, so I figure Tyler is sleeping. I look at myself in the mirror, trying not to hate my reflection too much, and take off my binder as quickly as possible, which trust me, is not an easy task. I finish crying (long self-hatred story), and then open the bathroom door quietly. Tyler is standing in the hallway, something I did not expect.

"Are you okay?" He whispers. His eyes go to my chest for a second, but then right back to my eyes. I cross my arms before responding to him.

"Yes. I thought that you were sleeping."

"I was about to, but then I heard you crying, and I wanted to see what was wrong."

"Well, nothing is. Thanks, though," I say, pushing past him.

"Alright," he says, sadder than I would have liked him to be. This is it Josh, tell him how you really feel. You may not have any other type of opportunity.

"Tyler, could I actually talk to you about something?" I ask, nervously.

"Oh, uh, yeah, sure." He sits down on his bed and I sit down softly next to him. "What's wrong?"

"You remember how a couple of weeks ago, you confessed you liked me? In that way?"

"Yes."

"And then I said I didn't like you back?"

"Yes," Tyler says, slower.

"I was lying. I really like you. Like-like you. Do what you want with that, but that's how I feel. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner." Tyler looks at me for a second, and we stand in a very awkward silence, and I don't know if that's a good or a bad sign.

"Okay. Thanks. Goodnight, Josh," he says and turns off the light. And, I feel like my crush has literally crushed my heart.


	22. Tyler (10/9/16)

There are no words to describe how much I hate myself right now. I've stayed up all night thinking about it. And listening to Josh cry. And knowing that I caused it. What I did was even worse than just saying "sorry, I don't want to date right now." I didn't even acknowledge that he said anything. It's almost nine in the morning, and Josh usually gets up about seven, so I know I'm probably going to have to talk to him soon. 

"Can we talk?" I ask, so softly I'm incredibly surprised that he hears me.

"Whatever."

"I'm really sorry."

"Sorry for what? All you did was crush my heart into thousands of pieces."

"Josh...," I start, but don't really know what to say.

"I'm done, Tyler. I'm sorry, but I can't really be friends with you right now. You could've just said you didn't want to date right now. That'd be fine. Awkward, but fine. You flat out fucking ignored what I said. You don't know how much I liked you. How much I still like you. Because even though that hurt like a motherfucking bitch, I like you. Being friends with you is just going to hurt way too bad, so I'm done. I'm sorry." Josh gets out of his bed and just leaves. I don't know what to do. I don't know if Josh counted me as his, but he was my best friend. That's why I tried to avoid telling him how I felt. That's why I didn't give him a response to when he said he liked me back. I want to date him, more than I've wanted most anything. However, I want him to be my friend if that can't happen. I didn't want to fuck anything up with him. That failed, obviously. Also, Josh was the reason I had the friends I had. He introduced me to Frank and Pete, and through Pete I met Mikey. Josh and Pete are really good friends, and Mikey is Pete's boyfriend, so I don't think I can have much contact with them. There's Frank, who was always my favorite besides Josh, but he's best friends with Pete (who finally decided to forgive him). In the span of a night, I lost all of my friends. Josh probably went to talk to Frank and Pete, talking crap about me. I fucked up, and I don't know how to fix it.


	23. Mikey (10/13/16)

I've been hating algebra class a lot more than I already do. Because of Tyler. I'm not supposed to talk to him, because Josh isn't, and Pete really likes Josh, and I really like Pete (in a different way, of course), so that means I'm not talking to Tyler. It's confusing, and I feel really bad. This has gone on for three days now. Today's the fourth day, and Tyler looks really sad. He's moved to the back of the classroom, where he sat before me and him were friends. I decide that talking to him just for this class period won't hurt, none of the other people that I'm friends with are in this class, so it should be okay. I move next to him.

"Hey," I say.

"Hey, Mikey," he says, looking confused and surprised.

"I'm sorry for not talking to you. I don't know why Pete and Josh aren't. And Frank. But, I know Frank wants to. He told me that yesterday during English before Josh came in."

"It's okay, Mikey. I did something really stupid. I hurt Josh really bad." 

"What'd you do?" Tyler pauses for a moment, like he's going to tell me, but then says,

"It's complicated. You wouldn't get it." This hurts a little bit.

"I know I have some issues, but I'm not stupid, Tyler. I'll understand." Tyler sighs deeply.

"Okay, I really like Josh."

"I know that. Frank told me and him."

"I figured. Anyways, I found out he liked me back. And I didn't even acknowledge he said that. And that crushed him."

"Yeah, that would crush me too. Why'd you do that?" I ask.

"I didn't know what to say. And, if I did date him, we might break up and it would ruin our friendship. He's my best friend- or was -I didn't want to fuck it up, Mikey. But, I did exactly that."

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No. Maybe. I really don't know. Thank you, though. And thanks for talking to me, I miss having actual human interaction."

"You're welcome." I wish I could help him more, but I'm having a lot of problems of my own. I've started doing something I haven't told anyone, even Pete, about. I've started drinking. I haven't gotten drunk, but I've taken a shot every night for the last three nights. Because my emotions are getting too intense. I need something to just dull it a little bit. My emotions for Pete are good, but I can't handle how hard they're hitting me. I tried to talk to Alex about it, but him and Jack broke up, and he's having even more problems than usual with my brother, so he hasn't been much help. He listens, but I can tell his mind is always thinking about something else. "If Pete could forgive Frank, I'm sure Josh can forgive you," I say, that thought randomly entering my head. I didn't want to forgive Frank, but Pete missed him a lot, so last week he just gave in and forgot about it. I haven't, I still want to be mad at Frank, because it was something my brother would've said, so it hurt on a deeper level, but my feelings for Pete are stronger than that. Again, they're so strong, I don't know what to do. And, I don't know if I can handle it for much longer.


	24. Pete (10/16/16)

I think Mikey's mad at me. We hung out after school on Friday, and texted a little bit that night, but we didn't text all day yesterday. I texted him during the evening, and he read it this morning, but I still haven't gotten a response. More than that, he's just been acting...off. Every time I've tried to kiss him this past week, he awkwardly kissed back, and then pulled away quickly. Every time I've told him that I love him, he just nods or changes the subject. I tried to ask him about it on Friday, but he just shrugged it off, saying he was just having problems. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he had to go. I want to talk to somebody about it, but I don't really have options. There's Frank, but since I decided on forgiving him, things haven't been the same. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't, because that hurt badly, but he's my best friend, and I wanted things to just be the same. I should've know they wouldn't be. Everything has been really tense between us. We rarely talk outside of school, except for maybe asking each other if we know the homework we have. There's Josh, but he's having his own problems with Tyler rejecting him hardcore. Which also rules out Tyler, who I didn't really talk to that much anyways, so that wasn't a huge loss, but still, he was a cool kid. In a moment of desperation, I randomly say to Frank,

"Hey, do you like, want to go hang out?"

"Oh. Yeah, I do. I would love to," he says, smiling a little. We end up just walking around in the hallways and talking, something we hadn't done in forever. He would give me a boy, and I would rate how much I wanted to bang him (since entering a relationship with Mikey, this game kind of sucked, since he's the only person I have attraction to, but still, it was fun judging the boys).

"Hey, how about I give you a boy?" I ask, after he had given me seven or eight.

"But, I'm not-you know what, fuck it, sure. Why not?" I desperately want to say Gerard, but that's a nerve I've struck on Frank too many times. I have my theories on why he hates it so much, but now's not the time to be bringing it up.

"Josh."

"Hmm, he's fine. I think the gages, or whatever the hell they are, he wears are pretty sick, but wouldn't bang him. It'd be different banging him anyways, because he's..."

"Because he's what?" I ask, as Frank literally stopped mid-sentence.

"Nothing. I don't know where I was going with that," Frank says, a little too quickly.

"C'mon, you're my best friend. You can tell me," I say, hoping Frank will admit to some of his homosexuality at least.

"No, I really can't. This isn't something I can tell you. Or anyone."

"Okay...," I say. I don't get why he's so adamant on not saying anything. I try to not take offense to it because I'm getting my best friend back, meaning I have everything I need right now.


	25. Frank (10/16/16)

I'm wishing with everything in me that Pete forgets that conversation ever happened. I was meaning to say that biologically, it'd be like having sex with a girl more, but then I remembered that Pete doesn't know. I'm the only one of our friends who knows. I really wish I could tell somebody, because he's the first trans person I've ever met, and I don't know how to handle it. But, I also promised Josh that I wouldn't say anything, and I'm determined to keep that. Thankfully, Pete changes the topic so I stop worrying about it. Mostly. Even when I see Josh in first period the next day, I can't help but to feel horrible, even though still, no more people know. I try to just not talk to him, but Mikey's my only other friend in this class, and I can tell that he hasn't completely forgiven me for what I said to him and Pete last week. It also doesn't help that he's in literally every single one of my classes. Including my free period. 

"Frank? Are you mad at me?" He asks during our free period.

"No. Look, okay, yesterday I almost accidentally outed you to Pete and I didn't but I feel really, really bad," I say, without even realizing what was coming out of my mouth.

"Oh, how did you do that?" He asks. I try to think of an excuse, because I'd rather not tell him the real way this happened. "Frank?" Josh asks after about thirty seconds pass with no answer.

"I don't remember," I finally say, "anyways, I didn't, I stopped myself, but I feel really, really bad."

"It's okay," Josh says, quietly, "he's got to know sometime, right? I was thinking I should tell him and Mikey soon. I wanted to wait until I told Tyler, but you know..."

"Josh, can I say something?" I ask, knowing I'm probably about to ruin my friendship with him.

"Yeah, of course."

"I think you should forgive Tyler. You kind of fucked with him as well. You told him that you didn't like him when you did, and then you said you did, and then you got pissed with what he said. He could've been a lot worse. And, at least he apologized. You never did for messing with him like that." Josh looks at me, shocked. I prepare for him to tell me he hates me and doesn't want to talk to me anymore, but instead, I get,

"You're absolutely right. I'll try to talk to him soon."


	26. Gerard (10/19/16)

"Called your best friend a faggot again?" I ask as Frank comes and sits down on the table next to me.

"No. I'm just lonely," he says.

"And you've come to me, because...?" I ask.

"I wanted to just come sit in the cafeteria, but you were already here, so...I'm just going to stay."

"Whatever, kid," I say, rolling my eyes and going back to what I was writing, trying to pretend that he's not there.

"What are you writing?" He asks.

"Why are you so obsessed with me?" I respond. Frank sighs and stays quiet for the next few minutes. I almost forget he's there.

"You're really good at writing," He says.

"Why the fuck are you reading my shit?" I ask, quickly jerking my notebook away.

"Because I want to know more about you."

"Frank, I barely know who you are. You're just the creepy kid who stares at me and is friends with my brother. That's all you are to me, and you need to fucking accept that."

"I know...," Frank whispers.

"Then leave me the hell alone, kid."

"Okay. Okay, I'm sorry," he says, starting to get up.

"Finally," I say.

"There's just one thing."

"That is...?" I ask, desperate for him to leave.

"I'm falling in love with you," he says, before running out.


	27. Alex (10/19/16)

I'm so desperate for someone to talk to, that when Gerard asks if he can tell me something, I say yes.

"Frank Iero just told me that he's in love with me."

"Well, no shit," I say.

"I thought he was homophobic...I don't get it," he says.

"Maybe he was just trying to hide it. Fuck if I know. Please tell me you didn't say anything that would destroy him."

"He ran away before I had a chance to," he responds.

"I don't know why you're coming to me. It's evident I suck at relationships," I sigh, and collapse onto my bed.

"Is that why Jack's so fucking depressed?" Gerard asks.

"Yeah. I probably broke his heart. No big deal." 

"Not the time, but do you, by any chance, know how my brother is?" He asks, showing genuine concern.

"He's fine," I lie. Maybe I'm not lying. I have no idea how Mikey is. He's slowly just stopped talking to me altogether. I don't have Mikey, I don't have Jack, and that's as far as my social life goes. Sometimes, Josh and Frank will talk to me in gym, but I'm always so focused on not focusing on Jack that I'm not the greatest listener. I'm a fucking horrible person, and because of this, I'm making myself miserable. I can live without Jack, but without Jack, I'm miserable at best.


	28. Jack (10/22/16)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING !!!!!!  
> this chapter contains self harm, please stay safe babes <3

I miss Alex so much. The only person I've really been talking to these past couple weeks or so is Gerard, and that's getting really depressing. I talked to Josh a little bit in gym, but him and Frank talk to Alex more. I'm more alone then I was this summer, and this summer I rarely left my room. But, I spent most of that time either texting or video chatting Alex. So, I wasn't too alone. Desperate for physical contact, yeah, but not so lonely. That's not to say I don't have friends back in Baltimore, because I have a couple, they kept me social enough that it all worked out okay. This isn't. And, there's still about a month until break, a month I have to deal with trying to avoid Alex as much as I possibly can. I can't do it. I lock myself in my bathroom and try to rationalize. I can't, though. The bottom of the mirror has been cracked a little, so I take a shard of the glass that's falling off and drag it across my arm very slowly. Lines of red appear and I get a little dizzy. I put the glass down and lean against the counter for balance. I look down and see that parts of my shirt and jeans are stained dark red now. My vision starts screwing up a little bit, so when I look at the damage I did to my skin I just see a red blur. The last time it was this bad I was fourteen. However, the last time I felt this lonely I was fourteen. I guess we get it now. Jack Barakat cannot be alone.


	29. Josh (10/22/16)

I took Frank's advice and apologized to Tyler and forgave him for what he did. Me and him have now just had an extremely awkward week. We're civil to each other, and we talk to each other, but we don't have the same closeness that we did at some point. I look at him across the room from me. He's doing some kind of homework (I think).

"Hey, are you too busy too be interrupted right now?" I ask.

"Never too busy to be interrupted while doing English homework," he says, softly, closing his book. I make my way over to his bed and sit down close to him.

"We're still friends, right?" I ask.

"Yeah...," Tyler says, worried. Even if he's worried, I can still feel so much tension between us and I feel as if he's thinking the same thing that I am.

"Would you be offended if I...?" I ask.

"No. I wouldn't be," he says, quickly. I lean into him and do what I've been dying to do this last month. I kiss him. It's the second first kiss I've had in my life, but unlike the first one I've ever had, I wanted more of this one. It lasts about ten seconds, and when we pull away from each other, it takes everything in me to not pull him back for more. 

"Thank you," I whisper.

"For what?" He asks.

"Kissing me."

"Oh...well, thank you. What are we now, Josh?"

"You're still my best friend," I say, carefully.

"Friends who kiss?" He asks, confused.

"Something more than that?" I say like it's question.

"Boy-boyfriends?" He asks, his voice shaking. I smile.

"Yeah. I'd love that. If we're dating, though, um, I guess there's something that I should tell you."


	30. Tyler (10/22/16)

"Yeah. I'd love that. If we're dating, though, um, I guess there's something that I should tell you," Josh says. I can't think straight (according to today's events, I can't be straight either), so I don't really give him a response, I just give him a weird look. "Tyler?" He asks.

"What? Sorry, you can say it, I've just got a lot going through my mind right now."

"Okay...you can't tell anyone this. The only one of our friends who knows is Frank, and that was a complete accident. You have to swear you're not going to tell anybody," he says, his voice dead serious. This makes me really nervous, so I shakily respond with, 

"Okay."

"So, um, Tyler, you know how I'm a guy, right?"

"Yes?" I say, more than a little confused.

"Okay. Good. So, the thing is, I am a boy. The only difference is...there's not exactly testosterone in my body." Ohh. Things are making a little more sense.

"Wait, so you're...transgender?" I ask, saying the last word very slowly.

"Yes. If you don't want to date me anymore, I understand."

"No, no, it's okay. I'm okay with it, it's just...I've never met a transgender, let alone, dated one. I mean, I'm asexual so that part doesn't matter. But, I'm just worried that I'll mess something up, and I really don't want to, Josh."

"Hey, hey, it's okay, Tyler. I've only dated one other person, and that's when I didn't know my gender so I still identified as a girl, and believe me, this relationship could not go worse than that was. You thought I was a cisboy when you met me, right?" He asks.

"Well, yes."

"We'll be okay. I told you that because I trust you. And seriously, don't tell anyone. Frank knows and a couple juniors do, but no one else. So don't say anything," Josh says, seriously.

"I promise that I won't...my beautiful boyfriend," I say, smiling a little bit. Josh blushes deeply and hugs me tightly.

"Thank you," he whispers. My life seems to finally be going up a little.


	31. Mikey (10/24/16)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING !!!!!  
> this chapter contains alcohol abuse, please stay safe babes <3

And tonight, one shot wasn't enough. So, I moved to two. One more couldn't hurt. Three turned into an entire bottle of vodka. And then another bottle. Two bottles down. I wasn't stopping. I've never felt this good. I've never felt this emotionless, and that's exactly what I need. To feel nothing. I finish the next bottle. Three. I only have two left. Before I know it, I have one left. I can feel the contents coming back up in my throat, burning so badly. Half of it comes back up all over the bathroom floor. My last bottle's gone. I'm shaking uncontrollably at this point. Something's not right. I can feel it. I can't think of what I did, though. I can't think of my own name. I don't know where I am. I don't know what I did. All I know is that my stomach is fighting off something, and I have to fight to keep it from coming up my throat. The ceiling sways back and forth, I don't remember laying down. Something's wrong.


	32. Pete (10/25/16)

I'm woken up by someone running down the hallway and screaming about how their roommate's dead in their bathroom. I look at Frank, who looks as confused as disturbed as I am.

"Can you hear who that is?" he asks.

"No. Sounds familiar. Has to be a freshman since they're down our hallway," I respond. There's more running. I think the paramedics come. I want to see what's happening, but there was an announcement and the school's on lockdown, and no one's allowed to leave their rooms.

 **Josh Dun** \- does anyone know what's going on?

 **Pete Wentz** \- No, someone'sdead.

 **Frank Iero** \- okay everyone just give updates if they find out anything

 **Josh Dun** \- okay

I put my phone down and try to listen more.

"Dude, that's Gerard talking," Frank says. I think he's right.

"It sounds like he's crying." I try to make out what he's saying.

"Fuck...I think his name is Pete? His roommate is Frank Iero."

"Holy shit they're talking about me," I whisper. That definitely can't be good. About fifteen seconds later, someone knocks at our door and I rush to answer it before Frank does. There's a police officer standing in front of me.

"Are you Pete?" He asks.

"Yes?"

"Boyfriend of Michael Way?"

"Yes...," I say, my stomach tying up in knots.

"Could you please come with me?" I nod and slowly follow him. He keeps walking until we stop at Pete's room. "Go check out the bathroom." I try to step in, but paramedics are taking up so much of the bathroom, I have to push them aside. Dallon Weekes is also in there, being interrogated by one of the doctors. Gerard's in there as well, sobbing and staring at something. I follow his line of sight, and that's when I see it. I start falling hard, but the wall catches me. Mikey's on the floor, eyes shut, not moving. He's completely surrounded by shattered glass. He's drenched in what looks like vomit and sweat.

"This can't be happening," I whisper. It's not happening. It's a nightmare. I'm going to wake up, and my boyfriend will be here.


	33. Frank (10/25/16)

Pete comes back after about twenty minutes. He looks happy. Not real happy, though. He looks like he can't feel anything.

"Pete? What happened?" I ask.

"Nothing, really. Something happened to Mikey, but he's alright. I'm dreaming. I'll see him soon," Pete says, smiling. This concerns me a lot.

"What happened to Mikey?" I ask.

"They told me he died. I don't think he did, though. He wouldn't do that," he says, brushing his hair with his fingers.

"Okay...," I say, grabbing my phone to text Josh and Tyler.

 **Frank Iero** \- i had to make a new chat because i dont want pete to see this but i think i figured out what happened..

 **Josh Dun** \- what's going on?

 **Frank Iero** \- the paramedics were here for mikey

 **Tyler Joseph** \- Frank, what do you mean?

 **Josh Dun** \- yeah, you're not serious, right?

 **Frank Iero** \- i dont know what happened..pete came in and he said that they told him mikey was dead but hes only dreaming and mikeys still alive i dont know what to do

 **Josh Dun** \- fuck, okay, after lockdown I'll come over, okay?

 **Tyler Joseph** \- me too

 **Frank Iero** \- guys mikeys dead

 **Josh Dun** \- maybe we got it all wrong...

 **Frank Iero** \- i dont know josh..

I look over at Pete who's mindless walking around in circles.

"Why are you crying?" He asks me.

"No reason," I say, wiping my tears away as quickly as possible.


	34. Gerard (10/25/16)

They finally take Mikey's body away. The security guards for the school try to make me go back to my room, but I don't. I run into the nearest bathroom and continue sobbing. My brother. He's gone. The paramedics told me it was alcohol poisoning. If only I hadn't done what I did to him. I could've helped him. They're calling my parents right now. I can't bear thinking about going home. I'll have to, for his funeral. I'm going to sit in my room- our room -and stare at the empty bed next to mine. His side of the room which is so neatly put together, compared to my side where everything is everywhere. I can't breathe at this point. My baby brother's gone. The only person in this world that I truly loved. The only person in this world who before this year, continuously was nice to me, even when I didn't deserve it. There's an announcement that lockdown's over, and about ten minutes later the bathroom door opens. Alex doesn't say anything, he just hugs me. I hug him, and cry against him, shaking at this point. He lets me cry, and doesn't let go. He cries too, even though he's trying to hide it.

"You know what one of the worst parts is?" I ask.

"What's that?" He says, his voice shaky.

"He died thinking I hated him."


	35. Alex (10/26/16)

I'm not going to school today. It's evident that Gerard isn't either. He's leaving tomorrow for a few days to go to Mikey's funeral. I wish I could go, but I have no way to get there. Jack came in with Gerard and I last night, and we all cried, not much talking went on. I don't know how to continue without him. Besides Jack, Mikey was my best friend. After Jack and I broke up, Mikey was my best friend altogether. If only I had listened to him more, maybe I could've helped. Stopped him. But, I didn't. And, now he's dead. This is all my fault. Just like with Thomas. Everyone who I love who dies is something I could've stopped. I pick up the glass cup on the stand next to me and throw it at the wall as hard as I can.

"It's not fucking fair!" I scream as the glass shatters. Gerard looks up at me, but says nothing, he just nods. I punch the wall, leaving a hole in it. I go around our room, breaking everything in my path. I collapse onto the floor into a mess of tears. Why did it have to be Mikey? He was such a good person and a sweet boy, he did absolutely nothing to deserve death. It hits me, all of a sudden. I don't even know how he died. "How did he die?" I ask Gerard, trying to keep my voice stable. Gerard looks at me, and takes a moment before answering.

"He, um, wow, h-he drank himself to death." I think back. Mikey did mention something to me about wanting to drink. I blew it off.

"I'm so sorry, Gerard," I whisper. Before he can respond, I lock myself in our bathroom.


	36. Jack (10/28/16)

"You ditching?" Alex asks me.

"No. I have a free first. I thought you'd remember," I say, weirdly defensive. I honestly don't care if he remembers or not. Last night at around 10pm, Alex sheepishly knocked on my door and asked if I'd come sleep with him. I obliged, I hadn't talked to him since the day he broke up with me in the locker room (besides a couple of nights ago when me, him, and Gerard spent a couple hours crying together), and I fucking missed him.

"Sorry," Alex mutters. We're both really on edge, so I'm surprised he doesn't explode on me. He grudgingly gets ready, and leaves the room. I think about last night.

I was sleeping in Gerard's bed since he went back to New Jersey for a few days so he could go to Mikey's funeral. Once Alex fell asleep, I walked over to his bed very, very quietly and as softly as I could, I kissed him on the top of his head. He moved a little bit, and I panicked that he woke up, but he didn't. I played with his hair for the next hour or so and just watched him sleep.

I've always loved watching Alex sleep. His whole body lightens up, and he breaths so quietly, and his stomach moves up and down very slightly. I looked at him sleeping, and remembered that he's so beautiful it's breath-taking. Alex is one of those people where they're hard to fall in love with, but once you do, you never get over them. I'm still in love with this boy, the boy who's heart I may have broken.


	37. Josh (10/31/16)

"It's your birthday?" I ask Frank, slightly shocked.

"Yep."

"Oh, well, happy birthday, dude," I say, smiling as best as I can.

"Thanks," he says, in a not-giving-a-fuck kind of voice. I don't blame him. None of us feel like celebrating. We're currently at lunch which just means Frank, Tyler, and I watching Pete talk to himself and looking at the empty seat next to him and saying Mikey will be back soon. Frank dealt with his insanity by bleaching the sides of his hair, which I don't know what that did for him, but we all have our own ways, I guess. He also pierced his lip with a needle, he explained it to me as "using pain as a coping mechanism". He said it was like self harm, but he got something out of it. I don't think any of us really know how to deal with what happened to Mikey. Tomorrow will have been a week since we found out. I just hope Pete comes to his senses soon. The bell rings and I walk with Frank to Spanish class. Mikey used to sit behind him in that class, so Frank makes a point of never turning around. "We're all so fucked up," he comments.

"What do you mean?" I ask, even though I know he's right.

"I'm fucked up in my own ways, I've seen it with you and Tyler, Pete obviously is, and Mikey's death just brought it out in us. We're all just fucked up fourteen year olds who don't know how to handle anything." I take a really long time before answering.

"You're fifteen," is what I finally say. I think I see a hint of a smile in him, but it very quickly fades away.


	38. Tyler (10/31/16)

After school, Josh and I went to go hang out with Frank because we didn't want him to be alone on his birthday, and also, we knew that seeing Pete like that didn't help anything for him. We look at Pete who's sitting against the wall and having some conversation that he thinks is with Mikey. Frank sighs and turns to me and Josh.

"Thanks guys."

"For what?" Josh asks.

"Coming to be with me. It's been really fucking hard. Like I'm sure it has been for you guys too. We were all friends with Mikey. Especially you, Tyler." I nod.

"Yeah. He was cool. Awkward, but I didn't mind him. That time when Josh wasn't talking to me and so Pete and you weren't either, Mikey did. I don't think I told you guys this, but he came and talked to me in algebra. He asked me what was wrong. He genuinely cared about me," I say, tears filling up my eyes. Why was I getting so emotional over this? Yeah, I really liked Mikey, but we didn't have that deep of a bond. Before anyone can continue, someone knocks on the door. Frank stands up to answer it, and Gerard Way is there.

"Hey, Frank, could I talk to you for a second?" Frank nods and shuts the door behind him. I look at Josh who just shrugs. Frank comes back a couple of minutes later.

"Gerard gave me Mikey's beanie. I'm going to give it to Pete. Maybe it will click something in him," he explains. "Hey, Petey, remember this?" He asks. Pete takes the beanie and runs it through his fingers.

"Mikey's gone, isn't he?" Pete asks. Frank nods.

"I'm sorry, Pete," Josh whispers. Pete drops the beanie and wraps his arms around his legs and puts his head down. He starts crying harder than I knew was possible for someone. Especially Pete. Frank tries to awkwardly comfort him by hugging him and things like that, but I'm sure that he knows it's useless. I also see a hint of relief in Frank, though, which is probably what we're all feeling right now.


	39. Pete (10/31/16)

I've been crying for a really long time now. Josh and Tyler just left, and Frank's still sitting on the floor with me.

"What happened to him?" I ask between sobs.

"I don't know, Pete, do you remember anything when you saw his body?" I shut my eyes and try to bring back any memories of this.

"Well...there was glass surrounding him. Some half broken bottles. He was covered in vomit." It hits Frank and I at the same time. "I can't believe I didn't know he was doing that to himself. I just thought he was mad at me, I'm so fucking selfish, and now he's dead." The fact that I could've prevented his death is too much for me to handle and I start hysterically crying even worse than before.

"No, no, Pete, it's okay, shhh," he whispers soothingly, running his fingers through my hair. I lean against him, my tears soaking his shirt. He doesn't seem to mind, just holds me and shakes a little, letting me know he's crying too, even though I can tell he's doing everything he can to hide it.

"It's not. I don't know how to live without him."


	40. Frank (11/1/16)

It's my new mission to keep Pete alive. Ever since last night when he said "I don't know how to live without him", I've decided that it's my job to get him able to live without Mikey. I don't know what I'd do without Pete. Maybe I can't live without him. He gets ready for school and I am sure to walk him to his first period class even though mine's far away. I get to my class just as the bell rings, and I slide into my seat in the front next to Josh. Josh looks at me anxiously until we're free to do our work, and then he asks,

"How's Pete holding up?"

"Not great, to be honest. He said he doesn't know how to live without Mikey."

"Yikes," Josh whispers.

"I know. I don't know what to do, man. I need to keep him alive." 

"Dude, you can't put that much pressure on yourself. Tyler and I will help as best we can. Don't make it your job to make sure Pete's okay all the time. We'll all figure out."

"Okay," I say, pretending like I'll chill a little. "Thanks, Josh."

"No problem. It'll be okay." I nod like I agree with him.

Pete's in our next class, and I notice Josh paying a lot of attention to him. Pete spends most of the time staring at the front of the room, making it seem like he's engaged with the lesson, but I know he's not. I know. I know when he's not okay. And while he's not saying anything, he's desperately crying for help.


	41. Gerard (11/4/16)

Mikey's funeral was a week ago. Being in the room I shared with him was the hardest thing I've had to do in awhile. Damn it I miss him so much. And, in a few weeks, it's going to be Thanksgiving break and I'll have to do it all over again. Alex and Jack are the only people I'm talking to at school and luckily, they both liked Mikey a lot so they have some sympathy for me. Not that I want anyone to feel bad for me, because that's the last fucking thing I want, but I want someone to get it, and they're as close as I'll get. I wish that I could take back every horrible thing I said to Mikey over the past fourteen years. I wish I could've died instead of him. He didn't deserve that, especially so young.

"I think you should write a song about it," Alex says to me.

"What?" I ask, surprised.

"Once you left your notebook open and I might have looked through it. You're a really good writer, though."

"Thank you, Alex. You're right. Maybe I should write a song." I pull out my notebook and title this one Our Lady of Sorrows. It's more about lovers, I guess, but maybe it's about multiple things. And the last lyric, it's about how I completely abandoned Mikey. That's something I can never forgive myself for.


	42. Alex (11/12/16)

"You going back to Baltimore for holiday?" I ask Jack while we're hanging out alone in the daytime. 

"Yeah, I'm going for the week," he responds. I pretend to not be extremely sad over this.

"That's cool."

"What are you doing over break?" He asks.

"Staying here. My parents can't afford to fly me to the UK. Why are we getting this holiday again?" I ask.

"In America they have the holiday Thanksgiving, remember?" Jack says.

"Yeah. I do." Jack smiles a little bit. I wish I was with him again. We've become friends again, but I think our relationship is over. "It's eleven, I should go back to my room," I say.

"Okay. Bye, Alex."

"Bye, Jack." I shut his door softly and go back to the room I share with Gerard.

"Hey, hanging out with Jack?" Gerard asks me when I go back in.

"Yeah, why?"

"Just wondering. How are you?"

"Fine. Why this sudden interest in me?"

"Alex, I'm really, really sorry for the things I've said to you. All you've done is tried to be nice to me, and I was a complete dick to you, and I'm sorry. Thanks for being here for me." This takes me aback. I hadn't really ever thought about the times he was a jerk to me since Mikey died.

"It's okay. Thank you," I say.

"It's not okay," Gerard says, seeming genuine.

"It's okay. We need each other a lot right now. It'd be dumb to hold a grudge against you." Gerard smiles.

"You're right." And, for the first time, I feel no tension between us.


	43. Jack (11/22/16)

It'll be so nice to have a break from everything. Still, I'm going to miss Alex a lot. 

"Do you have to leave?" He asks.

"I'm sorry, Lex. You can text me as much as you want and need." Alex frowns.

"I know. I'm just going to be lonely."

"You'll be fine, okay? I'll see you after break." I give him a half-assed hug and walk outside. I have to hurry to the bus that's leaving for the airport. I see an empty seat next to Pete Wentz. "Mind if I sit here?" I ask him.

"Not at all. I'm completely third wheeling my friends," he says, gesturing towards Josh and Tyler who are holding hands in the seat next to us. 

"So they did get together," I say, under my breath.

"What do you mean?" Pete asks.

"Oh, Josh asked Alex for advice on how to ask Tyler out and Alex told me about it."

"Yeah. Unexpected couple. They're cute, though." Pete starts looking sad, so I struggle to find a topic change.

"Where's Frank at? Aren't you guys best friends?" I ask.

"Yeah. He couldn't leave."

"Why?"

"I don't know. There's so many things he isn't telling me. It's gotten even worse since Mikey. He's so secretive and it's driving me insane."

"I know what you mean," I say, sighing.

"You do?" Pete asks. I nod and leave it at that. This break is supposed to help me not think about Alex, but this is going to be nearly impossible.


	44. Josh (11/22/16)

"I can't believe we've been dating for a month and I'm just now finding out we live in the same fucking city," I say to Tyler. He smiles a little bit.

"I'll need to find a way to come see you," he says.

"Yeah. I wish I could drive. What's your address?" Tyler writes it down for me and I look it up on my phone. "It's a twenty minute walk from my house. I'll make it work."

"Okay. I will too." There's an announcement saying everyone on the flight to Columbus must board now. I hold hands with Tyler and walk onto the plane. Luckily, our seats are right next to each other, which is good because I have horrible flight anxiety. "It's okay, Joshy," Tyler whispers as the plane starts moving. I start shaking, and grip Tyler's hand so hard I'm shocked it's not broken. "It's okay, baby. You're alright," Tyler whispers over and over until we're in the air and I've calmed down a little bit.

"How long is that flight again?" I ask.

"A little over four hours." I grit my teeth and try to distract myself.

"I'm going to draw you something," I say to Tyler. He grins.

"Okay!" I draw a sketch of me and him with him singing and me playing the drums. This talks me longer than I originally thought.

"You want to see?" I ask.

"Yes. Finally," Tyler responds, laughing slightly. I hand him my notebook. "This is so cute!"

"Thanks," I say, blushing.

"Only two more hours to go, my love," he says quietly. Okay. I can do this. I have Tyler, after all.


	45. Tyler (11/22/16)

Josh starts having a massive anxiety attack as the plane lands, so I just whisper softly to him and grip his hand tightly. He chills out and smiles at me.

"I love you, Tyler."

"I love you too, Josh." I try to make this moment last as long as I can. I don't want to go home. I'll have to deal with my incredibly homophobic family (parents, mostly) who are so dumb they sent me to an all boys boarding school, hoping it would make me "un-gay". 

It's time to get off the plane, and I grip Josh's hand tightly while walking off. We walk to baggage claim to get our shit where Josh is instantly attacked by a kid who looks to be about six.

"Awww, hey, Abigail," he says, smiling softly. I look up and see two other kids who look to be a little younger than Josh, and what I'm assuming is his parents. I wonder if Josh is the oldest as well. I realize there's so many things I probably don't know about him.

"Who's your friend, Joshua?" His mom asks.

"Oh, this is my boyfriend, Tyler. Tyler, these are my siblings, Abigail, Ashley, and Jordan. And these are my parents," he says, pointing everyone out.

"Jade has a boyfriend!" Ashley, says, laughing. I'm confused.

"Ashely...," her parents warn.

"What? She's a girl still. She can't be a boy." I get it now. I've never witnessed Josh getting misgendered. I guess I'm pissed off enough that my nerves I had with meeting new people is gone now.

"Actually, that's Josh. He's my boyfriend, and a very pretty boy." Josh shoots me an incredibly grateful look. 

"Boys can't be pretty!" Jordan says.

"They can be. Especially Tyler," Josh says and I blush a dark shade of red.

"Do you need a ride home Tyler or are your parents here?" His dad asks.

"No, sir, they're probably outside, but thank you. I should probably go. Bye Josh!" I say, pulling Josh into a hug and then walking outside. 

Josh had such a nice family (besides Ashley). I wish my parents were that accepting, but I'm happy Josh has that at least. I see my family's car by the sidewalk and I climb in. The only one who seems excited to see me is my four year old brother, Jay.

"Tyty!" He screams at me. 

"Hey, Jayjay," I say, smiling.

"I want to sit in the back with Tyty!"

"Sorry, we can't move your car seat."

"It's okay, Maddie and I can move to the back," Zack says, glancing at my parents.

"Yeah!" Jay yells. Zack and Maddie climb in the back and I smile at Zack. No one really talks except for Jay who's babbling to himself. "Why did Tyty have to go away?" He asks.

"Shut up, Jay," Zack mutters.

"Tyler thought he was something he wasn't," my mom says, simply. The rest of the car ride home (which isn't too long, thankfully) I get interrogated by my parents on my sexuality. I wish they didn't have to do that with my younger siblings in the car. I just wish they wouldn't fucking do this.


	46. Pete (11/24/16)

**Pete Wentz** \- Happy Thanksgiving!

 

**Frank Iero** \- thanks pete 

 

**Pete Wentz** \- How you holding up?

 

**Frank Iero** \- i miss u

 

**Frank Iero** \- i need to tell u something

 

**Pete Wentz** \- What's up?

 

**Frank Iero** \- like five days before mikey died i told gerard i was in love with him

 

**Pete Wentz** \- WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

 

**Frank Iero** \-  i didnt know how to bring it up or what to say

 

**Pete Wentz** \- FRANK.

 

**Pet Wentz** \- YOU TELL YOUR BEST FRIEND THESE THINGS.

 

**Frank Iero** \- i know im sorry

 

**Pete Wentz** \- So, what happened after that?

 

**Frank Iero** \- i ran away

 

**Pete Wentz** \- I have to go. Tell me more next week when I can see you in person.

 

**Frank Iero** \- bye pete

 

**Pete Wentz** \- Adios.

 

I sort of lied. I don't have to go for awhile. I don't really want to talk about this with Frank, though. I've been going through the process of grieving Mikey, but today's been a month since he's been gone. I can't believe it. It feels so much longer, but so much shorter at the same time. It feels like just yesterday I was telling him I loved him for the first time, but it feels like years ago when I saw his body on the bathroom floor. 

 

I hear my parents call me downstairs. I don't want to go, but I do.

 

"What's wrong, Pete?" My mom asks. I don't know why, but I say everything, starting from the first day of school when I first saw Mikey. I talk  about how Frank called me a faggot, and I end with Mikey dying. I'm crying so hard I can't breathe by the end. 

 

"I m-miss him so much."


	47. Frank (11/24/16)

"How was your day?" Alex asks, sitting down next to me. Him and I have bonded a lot this past week, as he was the only one still here that I knew, and vice versa. I actually don't know him that well, he's in my gym class, and that's about all I know besides that he knows how I'm in love with Gerard. He seems to know me better, because I know he liked Mikey a lot, and Mikey and I were friends.

"Fine. I talked to Pete for like ten minutes. Rest of it was spent writing my suicide note." Alex laughs, but I'm only half-joking. "How was yours?"

"About the same. I can't wait for break to be over."

"Me neither. I miss my friends."

"What about me?" He asks.

"I don't think I ever talked to you before this week. At least, without Josh."

"You're probably right. Just fucking with you, mate," he says, smiling. I roll my eyes and continue eating. I don't get Alex. I don't know why, but there's something extremely off about it. It's vaguely familiar, but I shake it off.

Until late that night. I mean about 4am late. It hits me then. This was the same feeling I had with Mikey.


	48. Gerard (11/25/16)

I had the most depressing Thanksgiving. So, I decided today, I'm not leaving Mikey and I's room. I've been sleeping in his bed this whole week, and I'm going to miss it. It can't be more painful going back to school. At least, there, I won't be reminded of him every fucking time I walk into my room. I wish I had more friends in Jersey. I need something to get my mind off of this. I decide to text the only person from school who's number I have.

 **Gerard Way** \- hey

 **Jack Barakat** \- Hey, how's it going?

 **Gerard Way-** could be a lot better. can I have Alex's number?

 **Jack Barakat** \- You can't really text him. Do you have Kik?

 **Gerard Way** \- yes. it's geeway

 **Jack Barakat** \- Alex's is galexyboy.

 **Gerard Way** \- thanks Jack

I add Alex's username and message him.

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- hey!

That was fast. I'm so fucking thankful for his response.

 **Gerard Way** \- how's break?

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- fine. I've made friends with your boyfriend (;

 **Gerard Way** \- who?

 **Gerard Way** \- oh

 **Gerard Way** \- he's not my boyfriend

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- he really likes you

 **Gerard Way** \- I'm not gay

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- I'm just saying...

 **Gerard Way** \- I think I'm bi though


	49. Alex (11/25/16)

**Gerard Way** \- I think I'm bi though

I look down at my phone and reread the message a few times to make sure I read it right. Before I can get a chance to respond, we're called to lunch. I run over to the table Frank and I usually sit at and wait for him to come. He comes and sits down with his lunch and I show him the message. He stays silent for a few minutes and then says,

"Why were you telling him that I like him?"

"Does that matter? He's bi, Frank. Isn't that good?"

"For him, yeah."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask.

"How the hell is this going to take me anywhere? In case you haven't noticed, I kind of have crippling social anxiety, Alex," he says.

"I'll help you," I say. I want them to be together. They both deserve to be happy.

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- ask Frank out

 **Gerard Way** \- hold up. how do you even know if I like him?

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- do you?

 **Gerard Way** \- yes

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- when holiday is over, you have to ask him! it would make him happy

 **Gerard Way** \- you're a pain in my ass Gaskarth...

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- so you'll do it?

 **Gerard Way** \- if it will appease you

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- yay! i have to go start writing my frerard fanfiction!

 **Gerard Way** \- dear lord help us all


	50. Jack (11/27/16)

Alex is standing by the door to my room as I'm walking in. He's grinning widely.

"Have a nice break?" I ask.

"It was alright. I'm so glad you're back!"

"Awww, thanks, Lex. I missed you," I say, smiling and opening my door. "So, what'd I miss while I wasn't here?"

"I think Frank and Gerard are getting together!" He says, excitedly.

"You have a lot of energy," I comment, "how is Gerard Way, the most homophobic person in the school, getting together with a boy?"

"Thanks to my amazing relationship skills," he says, bouncing slightly on my bed, kind of reminding me of a six year old.

"Why are you so hyper?" I ask.

"I don't know. My best friend is back, I got my other best friend to ask out the boy who we thought was hopelessly in love with him. Life is good."

"I'm glad to hear," I say, hugging him. "I was worried about you."

"Why?" He asks.

"Did you eat?" I ask him.

"Sort of. That's not the point. The point is, I'm good!" Some of his enthusiasm seems pretty fake, but I try to let it go.

"Okay. As long as you're okay."


	51. Josh (11/27/16)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING !!  
> this chapter contains self harm, if this triggers you or you just don't want to read it, please skip it. stay safe babes <3

I wake up and I know it's going to be a shitty day. Today's Monday morning, first day back at school since break, and now this. I bury my head into my pillow and groan loudly.

"Get up, babe," Tyler says, nailing me in the head with one of his pillows.

"Don't wanna," I say, my voice covered.

"Come on, love," he says, shaking me softly.

"Noooo." He lays down next to me.

"We're gonna be late, baby," he says. I shake my head and push him off the bed. "Josh?" Tyler asks, his voice more serious, "what's wrong?" He stands up and sits down on my bed.

"I woke up to bloody sheets and I'm in the worst stomach pain," I say. Tyler looks at me, confused, but he figures it out.

"Awww, Joshy," he says, kissing the top of my head. "You wanna stay here today?" I nod. "Okay, well, I gotta go to school, will you be okay?"

"Yeah." Tyler stands up and quickly gets changed. 

"I gotta go. I'll come see you at lunch, okay?" He leans down and hugs me softly and kisses me. "I love you."

"Love you too, Ty." I sigh and try to get up to get Ibuprofen. I take a couple and get in the shower. I look down at myself and start crying. I hate my body. I hate that I was born like this. I finish showering quickly and grab Tyler's razor from the counter. I slash it against my wrists until I can't feel a damned thing anymore. 

I don't remember what happens after that. I wake up twenty minutes before Tyler's supposed to come back. I have a quick panic, but I manage to wipe the majority of the blood from the bathroom and I throw on one of my hoodies. I lay back in bed and wait.

"I brought you some food," Tyler says, handing me a box.

"Thank you, love," I say, softly, and eat some of the fries he brought.

"I'm so sorry, baby boy," he says. He moves my food over and lays down next to me. He pushes me over a little bit and then wraps his arms around me. "You're still a boy, okay? No matter what the biology is telling you."

"Thank you."

"Don't worry about it." He runs his fingers through my hair for the rest of the time. "I love you so, so much, Josh," he says, before leaving. I have such an amazing boyfriend. I can't kill myself. Not yet.


	52. Tyler (11/27/16)

"I gotta shower, baby boy," I say, kissing Josh very softly and standing up. I grab the clothes I need and walk into the bathroom. I'm startled by dried blood on the floor. It doesn't look very old, and it definitely wasn't here this morning. I think nothing of it, until I see that my razor's been moved. "Josh?" I yell through the door.

"What?"

"Can you come here a sec?" I then realize he's probably in a lot of pain. "Never mind," I say, leaving the bathroom. I sit down on his bed and say, "can I see your wrists?" He's about to protest, but I guess he realizes that there's no point in arguing, so he sighs and holds out his arm. "I didn't even know you did this to yourself," I whisper, trying not to start crying.

"You weren't supposed to. It was just a thing I was doing that no one knew happened."

"Josh, you can't just go on in your life hiding this forever," I say, giving up on not crying.

"Oh, no, babe, please don't cry, I'm not worth it."

"Joshua William Dun, don't ever fucking say that, got it? You're worth than anything I could ever give you, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try." Josh starts biting at his nails and doesn't say anything for a good two minutes.

"Thanks, Tyler."

"I'm going to actually shower now," I say, getting up and into the shower. I turn on the water to almost as hot as it will go, and feel it burn my skin so badly I can barely move once I'm done. I put on shorts but decide shirts aren't worth it. I lay down on my bed because I'm exhausted, but not the kind that lets me fall asleep right away. "Josh?" I say, on the off chance that he's awake. He's not. I sigh and dig my fingernails into my palms and let the pain lull me to sleep.


	53. Pete (12/1/16)

"Happy Birthday, Tyler," I say, hugging him during gym. He grins.

"Thanks, Pete." We end up playing basketball, which is Tyler's favorite sport, so he seems to be in a fairly good mood. 

Josh brings him a cupcake during lunch and Tyler giggles and it's really cute. 

"So, guys, I think I'm going to try out for the basketball team," Tyler announces.

"I'd like to see you sweaty in those shorts," Josh says, wiggling his eyebrows. I think Tyler kicks him under the table, because Josh winces, but then laughs.

"Anyways, tryouts are next Friday and I think I'm going to do it."

"You totally should. I'll be at all of your games," I say. Tyler smiles at me, and I'm starting to feel this connection with him that I've never had before. 

Ever since he started going out with Josh, he's become a lot less shy. I think coming out really helped him gain some confidence, plus I'm sure having Josh doesn't hurt. 

Since Mikey died, I've grown a lot closer to my friends. They've all been so damn supportive and helpful and understanding, and I'm so grateful for them.

Something's bothering Frank, though. I've been thinking about it since break ended. It's all I can think about in history class today. I obviously don't have Mikey on the right side of me anymore, so I spend a lot of time paying more attention to Frank. I've been so wrapped up in grieving Mikey, I haven't been paying much attention. 

I've accepted the fact that Mikey's gone now, though. While it hurts worse than anything I've ever felt before- physically or mentally-, I'm accepting it.


	54. Frank (12/2/16)

"Guess what, guess what, guess what?" I say, sitting next to Josh, unable to stop smiling.

"What's up?" He asks. 

"Gerard Way just asked me out!" I say, completely forgetting the fact that none of my friends know I like him, or even know that I'm gay. So, obviously, Josh is pretty taken aback, but thankfully, he chooses to not mention that now.

"That's awesome! So, you said yes?"

"Yes!" I say.

"I'm happy for you, Frank," he says, hugging me. 

"Thank you Josh," I say, grinning. I can't wait for lunch, where I can tell all my friends. 

The bell for lunch finally rings and I walk with Josh to the lunch room.

"Hey, boyfriend," Gerard says, hugging me from behind. I start blushing deeply.

"Shhh, I gotta go tell my friends," I say, giggling for what I think is the first time in life. 

I walk to my lunch table where Pete, Josh, and Tyler are already sitting.

"You look happy," Pete comments.

"I have a boyfriend," I say, not even easing into to it.

"I knew you were gay!" Pete exclaims, "You're finally admitting it!"

"Not the time, Pete," Josh mutters.

"Why? I'm happy for him. I just predicted it."

"Uh, yeah," I say, some of my happiness fading. I wish Pete didn't say that. I didn't want to seem gay. It's the last thing I want.

"I'm sorry?" He doesn't know what he did. To be fair, I'm overreacting but I wish there would have been some surprise. "Look, I don't know what the big deal is," Pete continues.

"No, you don't fucking know Pete. You know why the reason I'm here? No, you don't. Maybe if you did, you'd stop saying you knew I was fucking gay, okay? So give it a rest, and just be my best friend and be fucking happy for me. Is that so damn hard?" I ask. I throw my lunch in the trash and crash the table where Gerard, Alex, and Jack are at. I'm assuming Gerard just finished telling them, because they both are smiling like they know something.

"Is it okay if I sit here?" I ask. They all nod.

"Of course, I missed eating with you," Alex says. 

"You okay?" Gerard asks. I sigh.

"No, I kind of just exploded at Pete. He was just being so fucking annoying about my sexuality, and I don't want it to be a big deal. I overreacted for sure, but it gets tiring." Gerard switches the seat next to me and hugs me.

"I completely get it. Luckily, Jack and Alex didn't freak out too bad. I've got good friends," he says, smiling.

"No, but, I do too. Yesterday was Tyler's birthday and Josh brought him a cupcake and Tyler said he was trying out for the basketball team, and Pete promised to go to his game and Josh was really happy for me when I told him about the relationship and I do have good friends. Pete just doesn't have any filter and I'm an oversensitive little bitch," I say, frustrated.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" Gerard asks. I nod and Gerard says something to Jack and Alex that I don't really pay attention to. He takes my hand and leads me outside the cafeteria. "Try to breathe, okay, Frankie?" He says. For some reason, him calling me that makes me blush.

"I hate when people call me that," I say.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he says, "I won't do it again."

"No, it's cute when you do," I say, smiling just a little.


	55. Gerard (12/2/16)

It's only my first day in this relationship, and I'm already starting to see how broken Frank is. I feel like I've made a mistake, but maybe I can be with him while he tries to fix himself. He just went back to his room, but I'm worried about him.

He's messed up. I mean, I am too. Not in the way Frank is, though. Frank is the kind of person who seems perfectly normal, and then you talk to them, and you can see everything that's wrong with them. Their eyes don't quite light up like everyone else's. Their sentences start out strong and end quietly.

Maybe I'm reading into this way too much. Maybe Frank's fine. Even though his smile never reaches his eyes. Even though he laughs a little bit too loudly for a little bit too long. Just because he flinches ever so slightly when anyone touches him. He's fine.


	56. Alex (12/5/16)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING !!  
> this chapter contains rape, if that could trigger you or you just don't want to read it, please skip this chapter. stay safe babes <3

I think I'm going to ask Jack if he wants to get back together today. This weekend him and I discussed it a lot, and we both said we'd be willing to do it, so today I'm going to ask him.

Because of this, I'm in a fairly good mood. I see him in gym class, and try to go up to him to tell him I need to talk to him, but he's already left the locker room and is talking to Frank and Josh. This is fine, I'll just tell him after school.

I can't stop thinking about this, even though it's a good thing. Either way, I'm struggling to concentrate, which results in me being one of the last people in the locker room. The only other person is Lucas, the person who was harassing Josh on the first day of school. He's staring at me weirdly, which I try my best to ignore. I put on my shorts, and then take off my hoodie.

All of a sudden, I'm being pushed against one of the lockers.

"Aw, where's Jack to come and save you?" Lucas asks, he hand deep into my chest. I'm too terrified to speak, so, I can't respond to this. He pulls down my shorts slowly, not moving his hand so I'm unable to move. Not to mention, I'm scared out of mind, so I couldn't move even if I wanted to. 

The next twenty minutes of my life (just an estimate on the time) are the worst moments I've ever experienced. Well, maybe second worst.

There's always talk about rape with girls, but they don't teach guys what to do. Especially when it's done by another boy.

I change into my old clothes because I can't stand to be in those shorts and I run to my dorm room. I take a shower with all of my clothes on because I feel so gross, but I can't stand the thought of having nothing on.

I'm disgusting. I hate my body even more now. Why didn't I stop it?


	57. Jack (12/5/16)

**Jack Barakat** \- Is Alex okay?

 **Gerard Way** \- he's been in the bathroom for an hour, I haven't seen him since school ended

 **Jack Barakat** \- He wasn't in gym and he's not answering my texts. I'm worried about him.

 **Gerard Way** \- want to come over?

 **Jack Barakat** \- It's fine. I'll see him tomorrow.

\--

Which, I did. It didn't make me feel better better, though. In fact, I think I felt worse.

In third period, he comes and sits down next to me, where he usually sits. I can tell he's wearing a shirt under his hoodie, which is weird because he usually only wears the hoodie. He's also wearing regular jeans, as opposed to skinny jeans.

While this is weird, that's not what worries me. I say hi to him, and he just looks at me for a minute before barely raising his hand to wave. He doesn't respond to any of my notes, so right before lunch, I ask him to talk.

We go to his room, but he refuses to sit on the same bed with me. When I sit down on his bed, he moves to Gerard's.

"What the fuck, Alex?" I ask. He seems startled and I feel bad. "Sorry. But, what's going on with you?"

"I don't know what you mean," he says, avoiding eye contact.

"Come on, Lex," I say, very softly, "you can tell me stuff." I get up and hug him, but he immediately pushes me off.

"Let's go to lunch," he says. I sigh, defeated.

"Alright." He's quiet at lunch, which is completely unusual because he's usually the loudest one at the table. He leaves right after lunch, and I don't see him for the rest of the day.


	58. Josh (12/9/16)

"Break starts in a week. I should probably tell Pete," I say to Tyler after school.

"Yeah, tell him while things are good, who knows when Frank and him are going to have another fight," Tyler responds, rolling his eyes.

He's right, about a week ago, they had a fight, and they made up quickly, but who knows when they'll do it again.

"They've only fought twice," I say, defending them, though.

"I guess. Frank has issues, though."

"So do we," I say annoyed.

"I know. But Frank is...different."

"Frank is my friend."

"He's mine too. I'm not saying anything bad." For some reason this annoys me.

"Okay. Whatever."

"Really? Do you want to fight?" He asks.

"Oh, my gosh, Tyler, what is your deal?" I ask.

"You're getting really defensive for no reason, you need to chill," he responds.

"I need to chill?" I say, "Okay, whatever, Tyler." I get up and walk to the door.

"What are you doing?" He asks.

"Going to talk to my friends who apparently have issues," I say, slamming the door. I walk down the hall and knock on Frank and Pete's door. 

"Hey, Josh, you okay?" Frank asks once he lets me in.

"No, Tyler and I had a fight," I say, leaning against the wall and biting my nails.

"About what?" Pete asks.

"Nothing important. Pete, I need to tell you something," I say, hurriedly.

"Okay..."

"So, this is probably kind of a shock I don't know and I mean Frank already knows but that was an accident and Tyler knows because he's my boyfriend but you don't and I think I should tell you."

"Josh, chill out. Slow down," Pete interrupts.

"Okay. Sorry. So...um, I'm like, transgender. I have a girl body and a guy's mind," I explain. Pete doesn't hesitate before standing up and pulling me into a tight hug.

"It's okay, Josh. I still love you, you're still one of my best friends."

"Thank you, Pete. Can I hang out with you guys today?"

"Yeah, of course," Pete smiles at me. And I do, until Tyler texts Frank.


	59. Tyler (12/9/16)

I'm kind of annoyed at Josh still, but I got out of basketball tryouts and I really want to tell him how they went. So, I texted Frank. And now, Josh is coming back. He opens the door and immediately apologizes.

"I'm so, so sorry for overreacting."

"It's okay. I shouldn't have said those things," I say. Josh smiles.

"So we're not fighting anymore?" He asks.

"Of course not."

"Why are you all sweaty? Oh my gosh, you had tryouts today! How'd they go?" He asks, crashing onto my bed.

"Really good! I don't find out if I made the team until after break but the coach said I did an amazing job and he seemed happy with me."

"That's awesome, babe! I knew you could do it," he says, seeming to genuinely mean it.

"Thank you, Josh," I say, grinning like an idiot. I push him down onto my bed and kiss him. This turns into a heated makeout session, until I stop so I can breathe. Josh smiles at me and sits up so he can hug me. "Can I...ask you something?" I say, not wanting to ruin the moment or anything.

"Yeah. Anything."

"It doesn't bother you that I'm asexual right? You don't think I'm broken? And you're not gonna break up with me because I don't want sex?" 

"Come on, dude. I'm only fourteen, I have the sex drive of a plant. Plus, I'm really insecure about my body so I wouldn't want that. And, you're not broken. Don't even think that. You're perfect how you are. I'm glad you were made this way. If you were made any differently, you wouldn't be my awesome boyfriend that you are," he says, keeping his arms around me.

"I don't know what I did to deserve you. Thank you, Josh," I say, trying to not cry.

"You still like kissing, though, right?" He asks, seeming like he's genuinely worried about this.

"Of course. But, only you." He smiles at this.

"Damn straight."

"I hate to tell you, babe, but nothing about this is straight," I say, pushing him onto the bed to make out with him again.


	60. Pete (12/10/16)

I have a huge fucking crush on Frank. Okay, there, I said it. 

At the beginning of the year, we were supposed to have a homecoming dance but then Mikey died, and everything is thrown off.

Now, we're having a winter formal instead which is taking place next week. I want to ask Frank so bad, but I know he's already going with Gerard which is okay because he is Frank's boyfriend.

Frank thinks I'm mad at him, but I'm not. I'm really not. I have more than just a crush on him, I want to say that I love him.

"Pete, why won't you talk to me?" He asks, as I'm in lost in thoughts thinking about him.

"I don't know," I lie. He comes and sits on my bed.

"I'm your best friend. You can tell me shit." I want to pull him in and just fucking kiss him, and it hurts knowing that I can't.

"I know, Frank. This isn't something I can, though." He looks hurt, and I feel bad, but I don't know what I can say. 

"Okay. Whatever," he says, getting up and slamming the door just a little. He's probably going to Gerard's room which I get, because if I was him, I would rather spend time with my boyfriend who actually acts like he cares about me than my best friend who secretly has a huge crush on me but hides it by being a dick.

I hate myself for liking him. Maybe I'm just using it as a coping mechanism for getting over Mikey. I hope so, but something in me feels like it's more.

I miss Mikey so much that sometimes I can't get out bed because of the physical pain it causes me.

However, as much as I did love Mikey, a small part of me always liked Frank just a little bit.


	61. Frank (12/10/16)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING !!  
> this chapter contains abuse, if that triggers you or you just don't want to read it, please don't, stay safe babes <3

"He's been so weird. He acts like a dick and then he hides shit from me. But, he's also obsessed with me. He's always closer than normal when we sit next to each other and when we're hanging out with Josh and Tyler he mostly only talks to me even though he's the most outgoing of the group," I rant to Gerard while he has his arms wrapped around me. He's very physical which is pretty chill because at least I feel loved.

"He has a crush on you," Alex says from his bed.

"What?" I ask, surprised he was even listening.

"Sounds like a huge fucking crush to me. I'm going to take a shower," he says, standing up.

"Alex isn't right, is he?" I ask Gerard.

"I don't know, babe, he might be. He is good with this kind of stuff," Gerard responds.

"Look, I think at the very beginning of the year I had the smallest interest in him, but it was gone when I first saw you." Gerard nods and doesn't say anything for a minute.

"Frankie, why were you so homophobic at the beginning of the year? I was because I was trying to hide my sexuality, I guess, how about you?" I sigh. I don't want to tell him the story. But if anyone should know about it, it should be Gerard.

"Last school year, I had this boyfriend. He was great. However, my foster parents caught us making out in my room one night. They screamed at him until he leave, and me, well...," I take a deep breath and take off my shirt.

"Your back is so fucked," Gerard says.

"Yeah. A lot of things were used. Anyways, they were so done with me at that point, they decided to send me to boarding school. That incident traumatized me, so I decided I was going to be straight. I wasn't trying to act homophobic, but when I started seeing Mikey with Pete and how happy they were, I got incredibly jealous. I guess I didn't know what to do, so I took out my frustration on them."

"I'm sorry, Frank, I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, but that's also why I get so frustrated with Pete when he says he knew I was gay. I know this isn't how he intends it, but I want to be known for more than my sexuality, you know? If I on whatever chance made a difference in this world, I don't want to be known as "Frank Iero, gay hero", but rather "Frank Iero, hero". I'm more than my sexuality."


	62. Gerard (12/14/16)

"Happy Birthday, you fuck," I say, throwing my shoe at Alex.

"Leave me aloneee," he says.

"It's time to wake up, Lexy Boy."

"Only Jack can call me that." I roll my eyes and throw the alarm clock at him.

"Get up."

"Okay, okay," he says, sitting up. His hair is sticking up in a couple hundred directions and he hurriedly tries to fix it with his hands.

"Seventeen, huh? You're finally the dancing queen!" I say.

"Dude, I get it, you're gay," Alex says, but I know he's kidding.

"Actually, I'm bi," I say, while doing the gayest hand motion possible.

"You're an idiot is what you are," he responds, going into the bathroom to take a shower. I laugh to myself and get dressed. I wish I could make Alex's birthday perfect. I absolutely love Jack, but I think Alex is my best friend. I know he was incredibly close to Mikey, and so losing him, we had to get along.

He's awesome, I just wish I had realized it before.


	63. Alex (12/14/16)

"Did you have a good day?" Jack asks.

"It was fine."

"Can I ask you something, Alex?" He seems serious which makes me anxious but I say yes anyways. "So, I still really like you...fuck it I'm in love with you. You can't just get over that. I just want to know if you'll be my boyfriend again."

"Yes. Of course I will," I say, actually smiling which I don't think I've done in over a week. He leans in to kiss me but I push him off of me.

"No, don't fucking touch me," I say, moving to Gerard's bed since he's in Frank's room right now.

"Alex, it's okay if you don't want me to touch you, but why does it freak you out so much? I mean, I'm sure you remember, but we've slept together before so it's not my first time touching you."

"Don't bring that up. Please," I say, trying really hard to not cry.

"Alex, baby, please talk to me. I want to know what's wrong. You've been really off this last like week and a half and I'm so fucking worried." He seems genuinely concerned and it hurts that I can't tell him. I mean, I could, but I don't know what I'd say. "Alex?" Jack asks.

"I'm sorry. I really want to tell you, Jack." I start crying hysterically, and it hurts to breathe.

"I'll stay with you all night. We can sit in silence, I don't care. Whatever you want."

\---

At around 3am, it comes out to Jack. I didn't stop crying while talking, but I think he put together the important parts.

"I swear I'll fucking hurt him. He hurt the most important thing in my life and he's not getting away with it." I don't think I've ever seen him this pissed.

"It's fine. I deserved it. I didn't stop him."

"Shut the fuck up, Alex. It's not your fault." I know he's not angry with me, but it startles me still. "Sorry. I just can't believe he did that to you. I knew he was fucked, but not that bad."

"It's okay. But there you go. That's why I won't let you touch me, why I'm constantly taking showers, and why I have ditched every single gym class since then."

"Can I hug you?" He asks.

"Yes." He comes and sits down with me and hugs me so softly I can barely feel him touching me. I take a deep breath and focus on just breathing. It's Jack. He's not going to hurt me. He would never do that.


	64. Jack (12/15/16)

"Why the fuck did you do it, Lucas?" I ask, shoving him into the lockers.

"Aw, did your slut of a boyfriend finally tell you?" He asks.

"I don't know what your point doing it was, I get it, you're a homophobic and worthless piece of crap, but obviously you were hiding some homosexual feelings there. I see the way you stare at the boys here, how come me and you are the last ones left?" I punch him as hard as I can and his nose starts drenching his face in blood.

"I could get you suspended for that," he says, trying to wipe the blood but ends up just getting it all over his teeth.

"And I could get you expelled for what you did," I respond

"Yeah. Like anyone would believe you," he rolls his eyes. I knee him in the groin and that finally seems to make him cringe.

"You messed with the wrong boy. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm not letting you live this down."

"And how are you gonna do that?" He asks.

"I'll think of something," I punch him one more time for good measure before running out of the locker room.


	65. Josh (12/16/16)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING !!  
> this chapter contains suicide, if that triggers you or you just don't want to read it, please skip it, stay safe, babes <3

Tonight's the worst night I've had since I had to be hospitalized. I've already hyperventilated, and then I started crying and I haven't stopped for forty minutes. 

I should wake up Tyler. I don't want help, though. Tyler doesn't deserve me. He deserves someone who's stable. 

I don't deserve Tyler in the other way. He's too good for me.

I don't deserve the things I have. I don't deserve my wonderful boyfriend. I don't deserve my supportive friends. I don't deserve my (mostly) accepting family. 

I hate myself so much. I've been hiding way too much from people, especially Tyler.

I didn't tell him that I'm here because I tried to kill myself last year. I don't think he even knows I'm suicidal and if so, he doesn't know how bad it is.

I've cut my wrists open so much I'm getting dizzy. I know I'm about to pass out. I stumble over to the bathtub and manage to turn it on. I plug up the drain and get in, all my clothes on. The water is immediately turned a horrible shade of red.

"I'm so sorry, Tyler. I'm so sorry," I say, even though it's two in the morning, he can't hear me. I need him. "Tyler!" I scream as loud as I can. I hear him running towards the bathroom and I push myself under the water, closing my mouth to avoid swallowing any blood water. The door's locked, so by the time he gets it open, which I can already hear him trying, I'll be gone.


	66. Tyler (12/16/16)

"Josh, come on, open the door!" I scream, hitting it as hard as I can. I can hear the bathtub running. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life. 

Josh gave me some of his things. He gave me his favorite shirt and his drumsticks. I didn't think much of it but now I'm fucking scared. 

I have so much adrenaline, I kick the door as hard as can. The top door hinge breaks and I try and push it in more. I'm pretty weak, but my legs are a little stronger from basketball, plus I'm not even thinking about what I'm doing, so I manage to get the door open after a couple of minutes. I get dizzy when I see all the blood on the floor. I look at the bathtub and there he is. I can barely recognize him under all the water because it's red. But, it's him.

"Josh, no, no, no. Come on, baby, you're still alive. Please, Joshy." I'm sure I shouldn't move the body because when 911 is called, you're probably supposed to leave the body, but I move his body upright. His arms are so decimated with blood I can't even tell what they are at first.

I wipe the blood water from his face with some soap and then I kiss his cheek very softly.

I push him back in the water and manage to call 911. Frank is next and he's not too happy about being called at 2:30 in the morning.

"Do you know what time it is Tyler?" He asks.

"I'm sorry but I really need you and Pete to come over here," I say, having troubles breathing. Frank can tell something is extremely wrong because he apologizes at least ten times and him and Pete are there in less than two minutes.

"Why is there blood all over your hands?" Pete asks. I don't respond and just walk into to the bathroom.

"Oh, fuck," Frank says, leaning against the wall. The paramedics arrive a couple of minutes later, and we're technically put into lockdown, which means there's so announcement because they don't want to wake anybody up, but Frank and Pete are forced back to their room which sucks because I really need them right now.

"What happened?" Some official demands of me.

"My boyfriend, Joshua, screamed for me at about two. He was in the bathroom, but it was locked. It took me about five minutes to get it. Once I got it open, I found him in the bathtub like that. My razor was on the floor, I think he slit his wrists to pass out, and then drowned himself," I explain, trying to keep my shit together.

"Isn't this kid the second one to die here this year?" I hear one of the paramedics whisper.

"Yeah. Messed up school," one responds.

"Maybe the kids are just messed up," someone else says. It's true, the kids here are extremely messed up. First, it had to be my best friend. Now, my boyfriend. I can't deal with losing anyone else.


	67. Pete (12/16/16)

I'm completely numb, I don't believe Josh is gone.

Besides Frank, Josh is, was I guess, my best friend. All we have left is Frank, Tyler, and I.

I expected this from Josh even less than expecting Mikey to accidentally drink himself to death (I'm not sure if it was an accident or not, but saying it was makes me feel just slightly better). He always seemed so happy, maybe that's it. He seemed so happy, so no one bothered to help him. 

Tyler had to know, though. Then again, maybe he didn't. It's not like I knew Mikey was drinking.

Frank is just crying in the corner. I know him and Josh weren't entirely close, but we were all friends.

Josh, the boy who always brightened everyone's day. The boy who wasn't afraid to say what he was thinking, but made sure not to hurt anyone's feelings in the process. The boy who made sure everyone was okay, even while apparently dying on the inside himself. The boy who tried to be friends with everyone.

That boy, he's gone.


	68. Frank (12/16/16)

"I'm gonna go talk to Gerard. I love you guys. I'll see you after break." I hug Tyler tightly. "It will be okay," I whisper. I don't let go for a minute, I know he sure as hell needs this. I hug Pete next.

"Love you, Frank. Have a good break and a good Christmas," he says.

"Thank you. I'll see you guys when you get back." I walk over to Gerard and before he even sees me I hug him tightly.

"Aw, come here, babe. I'm so, so sorry about Josh." He hugs me back and makes sure I don't let go first.

"He seemed so happy. I didn't know something was wrong. And man, his body. There was so much blood everywhere..."

"I know, Frankie. I mean, I don't know, but I can imagine that it's awful." He hugs me again and leans down so he can kiss me. I pull him closer to me so I can kiss him back. He pulls away and smiles at me. "Oh shit, my parents are here. Fuck, I gotta go, bye, Frank. See you after break." And then he leaves.


	69. Gerard (12/16/16)

I don't even get a "hello" when I get in my car.

"Were you just kissing that boy?" My mom asks me, bewildered.

"I might've been," I respond, not in the mood to deal.

"I didn't know you were...gay."

"I'm not. I'm bi. I like boys and girls."

"Okay...," she says, slowly.

"You know who was fucking gay, though?" I ask.

"Watch the language," my dad warns.

"No. You know who was fucking gay? Mikey was. He had a boyfriend who's a wonderful person and happens to be the best friend of my boyfriend. So, save your homophobic shit, your fucking dead son was gay and his boyfriend tried his best."

"We're not necessarily homophobic, Gerard," my mom says, looking back at me.

"I heard the small comments," I say.

"Would it have been my first choice to have you be into guys? Probably not. It doesn't mean I love you any less. And I would love to meet your boyfriend someday."

"Thank you," I say, smiling slightly.

"So what's been going on at school?" My dad asks.

"Josh Dun committed suicide," I say.

"Who's that? Another kid dead?" My mom asks.

"Just some kid. He probably didn't even know Mikey," my dad responds.

"He wasn't just some kid. He was Mikey's friend. He's one of my boyfriend's friends. I didn't know a lot about him, but he was a genuine person as far as I could tell from the few conversations I had with him. He was the most supportive of Frank's friends when he told them about his sexuality. He's not just "some kid". Even if I didn't know him. He's a fucking child, but an important one. But nobody could convince him of it."


	70. Alex (12/17/16)

The first thing I want to say when I see Frank at my door is "do you know what fucking time it is?" But, Gerard told me to take care of him, so I just say,

"Are you okay? It's three in the morning." Perfect. While still asking if he's okay, at least I made sure he was aware of the time.

"Can I sleep in here? I know we're not really friends, but I honestly can't stand to be alone."

"Of course, mate. You can have Gerard's bed." I notice he's wearing one of Gerard's shirts, so I hope him sleeping in Gerard's bed will make him feel better.

"Thank you, Alex." He gets in Gerard's bed and starts silently crying. I don't know if he wants me to acknowledge him, so I lay back down in my bed. I can see Frank texting in his bed.

"Who you talking to?" I ask.

"Tyler. He's really fucked up right now."

"Why'd he do it?"

"I don't know. He seemed okay. I mean he had issues, but he seemed to be dealing. I didn't realize how bad he was doing."

"It's usually the people who seem the most okay who are hurting the most," I state before trying to go sleep.


	71. Jack (12/25/16)

**Jack Barakat** \- Merry Christmas, baby.

 **Alex Gaskarth** \- Merry Christmas. I miss you so much

 **Jack Barakat** \- I miss you too. Want to Skype?

Alex Gaskarth- yeah. just give a sec, I'll call you

I plug my headphones into my laptop and wait for his call. I haven't heard his voice in eight days, and I miss it so much. The ring plays, and I immediately answer.

"Why are you in the bathroom?" I ask.

"Frank's sleeping in my room still, I don't want to wake him up," he says.

"Oh, that's nice of you. I love you, Alex."

"Love you too, Jacky," he says, smiling.

"Go to your closet, I have a present for you in there," I say.

"Okay. Open mine to you when I get back," he responds, standing up. He comes back with his present and I can see him crying.

I got him an acoustic guitar. I know he hadn't had one since he destroyed his when he was fifteen.

"I'm sorry you had to wait two years, but I hope you like it, my love." I've been saving for it since last Christmas, when he was telling me how badly he missed his old one.

"Thank you, Jack. I don't even know what to say or how to respond, but thank you so fucking much. I love you, I can't believe you did this, thank you."

"Of course. Anything to see that beautiful smile of yours," I say, making him blush a lot.

"Okay, okay, now open mine." I pick up the present he wrapped for me and carefully open it. It's a notebook, and when I flip it open, the pages are filled with what looks like song lyrics.

"I've been writing songs for you since we started dating last year. I kept them all there, and I thought you should have them."

The titles of the songs he wrote are: Six Feet Under the Stars, Time Bomb, If These Sheets Were States, Somewhere in Neverland, The Edge of Tonight, and Last Young Renegade.

"I'll read through this fully when we hang up. This is...really fucking sweet, I can't believe you wrote one song about me, let alone six."

Alex smiles and just says, "Yeah, well, I have a lot of emotion towards you."

"Thank you, Alex."

"Of course, love. Frank's trying to go to the bathroom I think, so I should go, but thank you so much. Text you in the morning?"

"That's fine. Sleep well," I say, pressing the call end button.


	72. Tyler (12/25/16)

"Hey, Tyler," Josh's mom says, a little more than surprised when she opens the door.

"Hi, I'm really sorry to be interrupting on Christmas, especially with everything you guys are going through, I was just wondering if I could make come and chill here I don't have to interrupt anything can I just stay in Josh's room or something for a few hours? I promise I won't be a bother, I don't need food or anything, I just need to be away from my house right now."

"Tyler, honey, it's okay," she gestures me inside and shuts the door.

"You're welcome to have dinner with us. I know the younger kids are really missing having an older brother."

"Are you sure?" I ask, "I would hate to be interrupting."

"You're not at all. I know losing Joshua must've hurt you so much as well. He told me about your parents and how they were awful to you. No one deserves that, especially on Christmas," she says, kindly.

"Thank you, I don't know how to repay you or anything, I'm sorry, I'll find a way," I say, feeling horrible.

"Tyler, you made my son happier than I had ever seen him. You kept him alive longer than if he as stayed here. That's repayment enough. I don't know if Josh ever told you, but he was in the hospital at the beginning of the year. I didn't see him smile until he introduced you to us." I didn't know I had such an effect on Josh.

"No, I-I didn't know that," I say, lamely.

"We can talk more about it later. The kids are starving," she says, going into the kitchen. I walk into the Dun's dining room and awkwardly look for a place to sit. There's an empty seat next to Ashley, and I have a feeling that was Josh's usual seat.

"You can sit there," Ashley says. I sit down silently, avoiding eye contact.

The only people who end up eating are Madison and Jordan. They're little kids, it makes sense. The rest of us have food on our plates and are pretending, except for Josh's mom. She's just sitting there, staring off at nothing.

"Are you staying the night, Tyler?" His dad asks.

"I don't need to. I can go home," I respond.

"Don't worry about it. You can stay in Josh's room for tonight," his mom says, taking her plate to the sink.

"Thank you so much," I say, incredibly grateful. I don't think I could deal with going home.

Once dinner has been excused, I run up to Josh's room. I've been here once, over Thanksgiving break. It has a new feel, though. Maybe it's because I'm in here alone. His bed doesn't have much on it, most of his pillows and blankets are still at school, I think his parents are going to get them once break ends. However, I lay down in it anyways.

I don't end up sleeping, so I go through Josh's room. Yeah, you should never do that, but do the rules still apply when they're dead?

He's very organized, all I find under his bed is a box. I open it up, and just start bawling. All his razor blades are in there, mostly covered in at least a little blood.

"I had no idea it was this bad," I whisper to myself."

On top of the blades, there's an envelope. I open it up and inside is a letter.

_Dear Tyler Robert Joseph,_

_As long as I don't kill myself at school, this letter will be mailed to you. If it is at school, well, this was a waste of my time._

_However, let's assume you're reading this. If you're reading this, I'm gone. I'm so sorry for doing that to you. I know it must hurt a lot, but I promise you Tyler Joseph, I'm not worth this._

_There'll be other boys out there. Boys who are way less insecure, boys who can give you everything you give them and more. You are an incredible person, and it was an honor just to meet you, let alone have you as my boyfriend._

_I'll miss you, if I end up getting into an afterlife. I don't know what's possible and what's not, but if it is at all, I will be watching you all the time. I'm sure you'll think of me a lot, but baby, the pain will go away. Or, maybe dull, at least. Don't waste your tears on me. You're so strong. I know you are. It's going to be okay, I know it will. You can get through anything. If I know my boyfriend, I know he's one perseverant motherfucker, and he's dealt with shit I would never have to worry about. He's perfect is what he is. I'm going to miss you, Tyler, but don't waste your time on me, you're already the voice inside my head._

_I'm sorry I left you, but you'll get on just fine._

_Love always,_

_Joshua William Dun_


	73. Pete (12/27/16)

**Tyler Joseph** \- you probably get this more than most people. can I talk to you?

 **Pete Wentz** \- Yeah, always.

 **Tyler Joseph** \- a couple of days ago I was staying at Josh's house for a night and I was in his room, through things, and I found this letter he had written to me. I'm assuming he wrote it over Thanksgiving break, but it was talking about how he was going to kill himself

 **Pete Wentz** \- So, he planned this out before?

 **Tyler Joseph** \- I guess so. I have the letter, I can show you sometime. but, man, once i read that letter, I didn't think I would ever stop crying. I didn't think I could be in so much physical pain. does it get easier?

 **Pete Wentz** \- I think it for sure gets easier, however, it's not going to go away. It's been two months with Mikey, which, I mean, isn't an extraordinarily long time, so it still hurts like a fucking bitch. However, the pain has dulled out in the slightest. Each day gets a little easier to face. I don't think you get over it completely, though.

 **Tyler Joseph** \- why did him and Mikey have to do it? I don't even know if Mikey's was on purpose, but either way, why'd he have to drink so much? why did Josh have to slit his wrists so he could drown himself? why do these beautiful people do that to themselves?

 **Pete Wentz** \- I wish I knew, but I'm as clueless as you. Sorry, Tyler.

 **Tyler Joseph** \- it's okay. thanks for listening. see you after break

 **Pete Wentz** \- Always here. Bye, Tyler.

Tyler and I have never been super close, but he's going through the same thing I went through (okay, not exactly the same, but he's going to be as close as I can get), so I've been talking to him a little more.

It still hasn't set right with me that Josh is gone. He wasn't my best friend, no, that's Frank, but he's the one I related to the most of my friends.

Josh was definitely something special. He's not the kind of person you meet everyday, he was a different boy. Not different in a bad way, but different.

Just like Mikey is. I mean, was (still hard to remember that). Maybe that explains the deaths. They were so different from what everyone expected them to be, they broke under the pressure.


	74. Frank (12/31/16)

"Alex, what's it feel like to be in love?" I ask him while we're sitting on the floor of his room, eating pizza we took from the cafeteria. Alex has eaten most of the box within ten minutes, which is fine with me, I have a small stomach anyways. 

"Hold on, Frank," he says. He gets up and goes to the bathroom and I wait few minutes for him to come back. "What do you mean?"

"Are you in love with Jack?"

"I think I am," he says, seeming pretty damn sure of himself.

"And how does that feel? How is it different than just loving someone?"

"It's a deeper kind of love. It's not the giggly, sparkly kind of love that happens when you first meet. It's the kind of love where you know you love each other, without having to say it. It's the kind of love that would make you take a bullet for the other, without a second thought. The kind of love where no matter how much they hurt you, you still want to be with them."

"Thanks," I respond.

"Why do you ask?" I don't know why I asked.

"I'm not sure," I say, truthfully.

"Are you in love with Gerard?" He asks.

"I don't think so. I mean, I don't know if you can be in love at fifteen."

"I'm barely seventeen," he interrupts.

"Yeah. That's true. You and Jack have something different, though. I love Gerard so much, but I don't think I've been with him long enough to know how deep my love for him goes.

"You make him really happy," Alex states, "I'm going to go take a shower then we should think about sleeping." 

I look at my phone watch 11:59pm turn into 12:00am. 

New year. Here's to 2017. It better be fucking worth it.


	75. Gerard (1/2/17)

As soon as I walk into my dorm room, Jack gets up and hugs me. Him and Alex seemed to have been sitting on the floor, and I guess Jack has been really excited to see me.

"Dude, I've missed you so much," Alex says from the floor. He doesn't seem super into physical contact anymore, so I don't try to hug him.

"Aw, thanks, I've missed you guys a lot," I say.

"Your boyfriend and I bonded a lot," Alex says.

"Speaking of, where is he?" I ask.

"Once I came back, he asked if Pete was here, and once I said yes, he ran out the door, so I'm assuming he's with him and probably Tyler," Jack responds.

"Thanks. I'll be back," I say, putting my things down. 

I walk down to the freshman hallway and softly knock on Frank and Pete's door.

"I got it," I hear Frank say quietly. He opens the door and his face lights up. He closes the door, and then hugs me so suddenly and intensely, I'm pushed back at least a foot. "Sorry," he apologizes, stepping back.

"It's okay," I say, "I've missed you. I got you a Christmas present." I wrapped it in my jacket which I hand to Frank.

"I'm sorry," for I didn't get you anything if I had known you had gotten me something I would have tried to, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, just open it," I tell him. He takes a breath and unwraps it. I got him three new things of eyeliner and a black and red hoodie. He seems to like them a lot, because he smiles and puts on the hoodie.

"Thank you. That's really sweet of you," he says.

"Of course, babe." I pull him in to hug and ask him how his break was.

"Lonely," he responds.

"I thought you were with Alex?" I ask.

"I was. And I like him a lot, I really do, I can see why he's your best friend. However, he's doing something to himself and I couldn't help him because I didn't want to bring it up and I just feel really bad."

"What's he's doing?"

"I can't tell you. It's not my thing," he says.

"Can you tell Jack at least? Jack's his boyfriend, don't you think he should know?" I ask.

"Yeah. Probably. Look, I should go back to Pete and Tyler, there was some emotional shit going on. Come sleep with me tonight?"

"Of course." I don't end up going.


	76. Alex (1/3/17)

"Why isn't Frank sitting with us? Isn't today our day?" I ask, shoving chips in my mouth.

"I don't know what you're saying, your mouth is full of fries," Jack says. 

"I was talking to Gerard. Why isn't Frank sitting with us? Isn't today our day?" I repeat. Gerard looks over at Pete and Tyler's table where Frank is sitting.

"I think he's mad at me," Gerard tells me.

"Why?"

"Long story. You guys seem to love each other, I need help. I don't know if I love Frank."

"Then leave him," I respond bluntly.

"Yeah because that seems to be your response to everything," Jack says.

"What the fuck, Jack?" I ask.

"Guys, chill out," Gerard tries to intervene. 

"No, what the fuck did Jack mean?" I say.

"I'm just saying. I said something messed up to you, and you just left me."

"I thought we were over that." I dump my lunch in the bin and leave, which I guess is proving Jack's point more and even though I'm way out of earshot, I can practically hear him saying it.

\---

"What Jack said was messed up. Either way, I talked to him. I just got done breaking up with Frank." Gerard tells me that evening

"What happened? Frank fucking loves you." I say.

"I don't think I love him. I don't know what you know about his life, but shit, he's messed up. He's a good dude, but I don't think I can handle it."

"Yeah. Alright. Is he okay? You realize one of his best friends just died, he's probably a little more than messed up."

"Stop fucking guilt tripping me. Do you ever stop talking? You're so fucking annoying," he says.

"Right. Right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I whisper and shut up for the rest of the night.


	77. Jack (1/4/17)

"I don't want to talk to you," Alex says as soon as he opens the door.

"I figured considering our lack of communication today," I respond. Alex starts to shut the door but I pull it back. "Please? Just give me one minute." Alex sighs, but walks out and shuts the door.

"What?"

"I'm so sorry. That doesn't even begin to cover what I said, but it's a start. When you left me, I was so incredibly hurt, and I guess I'm still holding in some of that hurt. I should've just told you about it right away instead of hiding it, and I'm sorry. Alex, I am so fucking in love with you, and I know this is crazy to say at sixteen, but I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know you've said the same, and if we're going to get even close, we're going to have to talk about these things." Alex doesn't answer for a minute, and I get really worried.

"I know. You're right. I just thought we had moved past this, I wish you had told me. But, I forgive you. I'm sorry for doing that to you."

"It's okay. Can I hug you?" 

"Yes." I always need Alex's permission to hug him all the time, which if I'm brutally honest, is kind of annoying, but if that's what it takes, it's an extremely minuscule price to pay in order to be with him.

I hug him tightly, and when he doesn't let go for a little bit, I take a risky move and kiss his cheek. He tenses for a second, but relaxes almost immediately and doesn't let go. 

I go farther and kiss him on the mouth. I let go of him so I can keep my body as far away from him as possible, which is awkward, especially when all I want to do is pull him by the waist and force him into me.

However, I focus on this moment, and am just grateful he let me go this far. I forgot how much I missed kissing him.

He eventually pulls away.

"Are you okay? I guess that was kind of not consensual on my part," I ask.

"Yes. I think I'm fine," he says, seeming actually pretty confident.

"Okay, baby," I say, hugging him again.


	78. Tyler (1/6/17)

I think that Frank Iero may be the strongest person that I have ever met. Despite his boyfriend just breaking up with him, I haven't seen him cry, and he still switches off with Pete spending the night in my room.

This week, I had to move rooms. I moved into Dallon Weeke's room, because Mikey was his roommate, and now that someone else has their own room, they thought it would make sense to move us in together. Dallon's a really nice guy, but I wish I had my own room. When Frank or Pete sleepover, they have to share a bed with me, which isn't too bad, the beds are big, but whenever I feel someone there, I always think it's Josh. It never will be Josh again.

Frank's in here tonight. He doesn't really sleep, which sucks. 

"Frank? Are you okay?" I whisper to him at about 11:30pm.

"What do you mean?" He asks.

"Are you okay? In general."

"No," he responds simply.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm not okay because I've been in four foster care families for seven years, and for the last two years I've been in one that's extremely abusive. I'm not okay because I got sent to this school just because I kissed a fucking boy. I'm not okay because two of my friends are dead. I'm not okay because the boy who I thought really loved me broke up with me because I'm too much of a mess. I guess that's why I'm not okay.

"Why did you end up in foster care?" I'm asking something I've been wondering since the day I met Frank.

"When I was eight, my dad was killed in a car crash. About a month later, my mom couldn't take it and overdosed." I don't know how to respond to that. I let Frank cry, because this is a rare occurrence that I think I've seen twice, and he's probably holding in so much.

His quiet crying turns into ugly sobs and soon I'm not even sure if he's breathing.

Dallon turns on the light, and asks me if everything is okay. Before I can answer, Frank shakily responds with,

"No. As long as I am on this earth, nothing is ever going to be okay."


	79. Pete (1/8/17)

"I gotta go to Tyler's, see you in the morning?" Frank says to me.

"Wait, um, Frank, before you go, I need to tell you something," I say, nervously.

"Yeah, what's up?" He asks, sitting down.

"I really like you. I always have in the slightest, and in December I realized how strong those feelings are. I didn't want to tell you since you had a boyfriend, but I guess since you guys broke up...I thought I should tell you." Frank stares at me, no response. "Say something. Anything is better," I say.

All of a sudden, his hands are on my waist and he's crashing his lips into mine. I'm startled, but I don't stop him because this, this is what I have been dying to do.

Within a couple of minutes, both of are shirts are off, and he has his hands right at the top of my jeans. My fingers slide up his stomach and he runs one hand through my hair.

He starts kissing my neck, and from what I can tell, I'm going to be left with dark bruises there. I don't want him to stop, though.

Someone knocks on the door (presumably Tyler) interrupting this.

"Shit, I should probably get that," Frank says, standing up. He opens the door and Tyler looks confused to say in the least.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to be interrupting...I was just wondering if it would be easier if I slept in here tonight."

"Of course," I say, jumping up, "you can have Frank's bed and Frank can sleep in mine."

"Alright...," he responds, looking at me weird.

Frank puts his shirt back on, but I can't bothered enough for that.

I end up falling asleep quickly with Frank right next to me.


	80. a break (or longer)

hey all, it's the author, mikey. i'm going to be taking a most likely long hiatus from this story. i can't find it in me to write anymore, and depression is just kicking m ass. if any of you want a general idea of what's going to happen in the story, leave a comment and i'll find some way to tell you. i don't when the next update will be, or if it's ever coming. i'm struggling a lot and writing this is definitely a coping method, but it's taking so much energy out of me. thank you to everyone who's supported in any way through this story, i can't begin to express how much your comments mean to me. i love you all. so, i guess that's it. i might post here eventually, i don't know anymore.

goodbye friends


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